Knowing you are [truley] loved is like...heaven. Not necessarily the romantic kind, although, Some may argue that there's only one kind of love.

I talked to my cuz yesterday, she's so funny, she makes my heart smile.

That convo alone, makes me feel loved, and I love it.

I had a conversation with a friend and we had our ups and down by that conversation lead to an up. And I was greatful for that...true friendship. It's a beautiful thing. It's like love, but not the icky kind.

S/he has taste.

I walk in...to my job, late. again. And this older man, maybe 3/4 times my age was being helped by my coworker. When she walked away...he told me to come close so he could talk to me. He tells me he thinks I'm attractive and he wishes I was helping him instead of my coworker. And then he complained about them not making any affordable shoes that have velcro. An old man like him can't bend down for too long.
Random fact: Velcro= crochetted+velvet
That's what he told us when my coworker came back, and he was trying to change the subject from hitting on me. No comment on his game.

This customer's buying sandles and she's signing her name on the receipt and I see that her last name is. JUGGERNAUTH....What are the odds? She's really the Juggernaut(h)....bitch.

A crossdresser came to buy shoes. She asked me to help her...she must have sensed my openmindedness because my coworker wasn't going to rush to her assistance any time soon. What really gives a crossdressing man away is his voice, All I could think how hard it much be to not want to be yourself soooo baaad that you would risk ridicule. And how it must feel when you realize people think you're a joke. I can't lie I giggled about her short red shorts and tiny shirt exposing her masculine body. She bought heels. She/he had nice taste. They usually do, I think.

My friend wants me to go with her to a gay club when I go visit her for her graduation. She has a lot of gay guy friends for some reason. I told her I wanted to bring my camera but she said that might not be a good idea. I guess 75% of the people haven't come out the closet yet and wouldn't like their presence documented. She's straight, and so am I...so I really don't know what I'm going to do there. This is going to be an experience.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish I wasn't level headed and had no conscience and there was no consequences for my actions...Only sometimes. But, that's not the case in life and that's just annoying.

Uncertainty (incomplete)

Me-Now is a time of uncertainty
Wolf in Sheep's Clothing-Now is the best time to create.
Me-Create what? A house made out of uncertainty? What do you mean straw? When that wolf comes by....I'm stuck.

6 days later...

Tomorrow's my sis's b-day. I want to do something special...but I'm so broke, and that just sucks. I had some free fun on a cruise yesterday, only thing about a cruise is, you can't get off. I can still feel myself rocking...

My[cell] phone bill- 107.54
Traffic Ticket- 187.50 not including traffic school
Hair- 75 bucks
that's just like...throwing cash out the window..and there's a tornado outside. So if I go out there I'll be all messed up.

I feel so well nourished..yay Easter. Because on the 3rd day he rose again, I won't forget that. I didn't go to church today because I figured, why front on easter God already knows what's in my heart. I read the bible on my own like I do every once in a while here's 2 verses that caught my eye.

Do you think I have come to establish peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division. Luke 12:51
Hmm...

Strive to enter through the narrow gate, for many, I tell you, will attempt to enter but will not be strong enough.
Luke 13: 24
The narrow gate must be the beginning of a lonley path...

Reminder: Must call my sister tomorrow. Must not forget.

I like

I found my remote yesterday... just when I gave up the 3 month search. I was so tormented but now...it's like...whatever.


Top Famous Guys I like
Godfrey- so damn funny.
Adrian Brody- Lol...I dunno, something about him
Pharrell- the Neptunes are my favorite

Outside the Box

Based on a real conversation....because...I really talk about these things.

Two birds were sitting on a telephone pole. One was quite exotic with red, black, and green feathers, the other more rare than the common pigeon sporting the colors of yellow, black and green.
“Get in the BOX!” she said after the more exotic bird expressed his liberal thoughts. And if you looked there really was a box.
“It’s like everyone else thinks in this box but you think in triangles, no, not even triangles, diamonds, parallelograms, trapezoids…not even those! Like, this unknown everychanging shape. Does it even have a shape?” she didn’t wait for a response. “There’s a term for that kind of matter.. morph..morphing” Neither of them could think of the word. So Not-so-exotic consulted the pigeon (Google) who was so familiar with the crevices of libraries and by-the-book facts that continue to be facts until someone proves otherwise. The pigeon tells her that amorphous is such matter, an example could be water.
“Your thoughts are like water.” She continues “that takes she shape of it’s container. But your thoughts are never really contained..”
“That’s true.” Said the other, his responses were limited and he was accustomed to these rants because she often seeked his views
but hated to agree with it.
“You see.” She continues. “I don’t think in the box either. Maybe it once was a box, but I continued to add sides until it became a pentagon….then an octagon and whatever ‘gon after that. And then..I couldn’t add anymore sides until it’s shape became round like wheels..that continuously roll. It became like this sphere. Like the earth. Did you know the earth is a sphere?” she asked Exotic.
“It is.” He says. Of course he knew.
“And these boxes are just boxes on that earth…”
“And I’m out there floating in outerspace with the stars and black holes.” Exotic says.
She pauses. “Stars! Black holes? See, I don’t even want to go there! I’d rather stay here on earth.” Before she could express anymore frustration they looked below them and saw another fall for the trap in the box. Soon that onewould live in a cage. If they were lucky somebody would open that cage, but while they were there they could think spherical thoughts, or maybe, just maybe even amorphous ones.

Pic Drawn by "Raymond Charles" for this story

But, I lied. Happy Birthday, Padre.

I saw you online yesterday...which always wierds me out because this media stuff is for the hepcats, but you were there and I know you saw me but I didn't waste my hopes on a greeting, I gave up on that years ago. It says to honor you in the Bible but why do some people have to make things so difficult. Anyways... Happy Birthday.I'll save you the awkwardness of an e-mail this year, hope you have a splendid time. I know you think about me, I know you think you love me, you say you do, but I'd like for you to show me in another way maybe a way which requires communication. There's so many ways for it nowadays...it's crazy...and it doesn't even require saying words just movement of fingers and some courage. I told you not to support me because I found a way to deal with you not being there, but I lied. But so did you..so many times.

I think about you everyday

Can somebody please define love, because I'm so confused one day it's this...then it's this... So far i've learned that there's a difference between love and in love. They say the brain patterns of someone IN love are similar to those who are insane. So I have to be crazy?? Awww come on.

Yesterday I was walking and this guys starts singing "Looooooooove, never knew what I was missing, but I knew once we start kissing I fou-ound fou-ound" and the more I laughed the worse he sang. "I know you hear him singing!!!" his friend says. I told him he had a nice voice but I kept walking. He changes songs "Slow down...I just want to get to know you, but don't turn around cause that pretty brown skirt looks good to me." The Dumbest things can make people feel special.

Conversations.

Okay Um... this man tells me about how his wife loves to wear his underwear and all I could think was....how did we get into this conversation.

This little girl came up to me and told me I was pretty. That made my heart smile.

Last night/this morning I had the most RANDOM conversation. I get a call at like 10 something from my back home area code and I answer and he says "is this [insert name here]" and I say "yea"...and he says "how are you" and "I say, I'm great, whos' this?" and he says "This is [insert name here, I'll just call him C. R. cause...he was in Cool Runnings.seriously.]" and I'm like "who the hell is CR" and then he says his last name and I'm like ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhh shoooooooooot. Hey Waaddduuuuuuup. So we talked about life and then he calls a high-school friend who was a good friend of mine and puts her on three-way. Now these are people I haven't talked to in yeeeeaaars maybe, but we talked like we saw eachother yesterday. I saved his number so I wouldn't be so confused next time.

I don't want to go to work.

Random rants about work.
Yesterday I get this text from my co-worker.
"You should come in early today:)"
Me: Lol, y?
"I hate my life that's why....it's almost three anyway so I'll see you then." I got there like 3:40.
We dread going to that place but..the thing is....we all work there willingly.

If "'N" and I were managers
We'd....
1. Open 11-6 M-F. Sat'day off. Sunday off.
2. Dress to impress (meaning..not just black/white/khaki)
3. Free Breakfast before 11.
We might be too liberal.

Sometimes I get so tired of staring at females all day that the very few guys I work with start to seem more and more attractive so I say to my co-worker...
"Am I crazy, or is he cute to you" when this new guy walks by, and she looks at me like I lost it because I did. She can't find no such cute guy around, so I point to who I'm talking about and she calls him over to get a closer look I realize..yeah I lost it. Naw, he's cutish.

Sometimes when I'm bored I'll call another department and when they answer I'll breath on the phone like a serial killer until they hang up.

Yesterday my new buddy comes to ask when we're going to be getting some more of the shoes he likes because we don't have his size and I'm like I don't know. I told him should get some work boots for a job on the side and he's like "What you calling me a Scrippa (stripper)" (he's light beige) naw I wasn't but good idea.

On my way home I usually stop at Wendy's and the lady at the drive through asks me if I have a sister because there was a girl just two cars ahead that looks just like me, I told her I did but I really doubt she's two cars ahead of me. I would hope that if my sis and I went to Wendy's....we'd be in the same car.

Escalator Temporarily Stairs

"I like an escelator man, because an esclelator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escelator temporarily out of order sign" only an "Escelator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience"- Mitch Hedburg (one of my favorite comedians who died too soon)

The escelator at at my job stopped working today and it made me think of that.

Just got a call. Have a a.d.d. can't type and talk.

A guy dreamily smiled at me while he paid for his shoes. I didn't think it was because of me, I just thought he was having a good day. His hands were stained probably from dirt or motor oil, that's usually the hands of people who buy work boots. My co-worker watched him stare at me and made a note of it before she left. I had no clue, I never like assume. I just thought...he was having a good day." He was just there watching you walk back and forth [she imitates his face, lol, she looked high]You were so serious, you barely even noticed him" she says. I really was.
I wasn't supposed to work today, it was a favor, and very big favor. NEVER AGAIN. People made all kinds of strange requests which required too much of my underpaid time. But there were some entertaining moments. This one woman with out of control kids just up and said "Oh my God I'm going to kill myself" and her husband nonchalantly picked up some women's shoes and asked if she liked them...as if he had heard her say that a thousand times. That's love right there.

Just got a call. can't type and talk. not a task I mastered. a.d.d.

Alright, going to see Inside Man. Again.

Wayne Brady is sexy

I can't believe I'm saying this...maybe it's because I haven't logged on face[crack]book in..20 hours but but...Wayne Brady...my goodness. He's sexy. I just saw Wildin' Out on MTV where he was the guest star and..and..omg, he sang and it was like..that throw back Jodecie that I love and my heart just started beating and I turned to the screen and then it was like..."Noooo, him?? Really? I didn't think he..well..I guess..but noooo..really?" I usually hear him singing like..Dionne Warick or something.
So...I still haven't logged in to facebook..they say the first day is the hardest..it has to be, I just said Wayne Brady was sexy. But he is, look at that suite...Wayne..holla at me.

Day 1. Again.

I made the mistake of telling other people about my decision to leave that thing alone for a while...They influenced my succumbing to temptation. Jerks. They sprinkled crack on me while I was down. But today. I stand.

In the mean time I'll read the Bible, haven't picked up the good book in a minute. I don't like church, the walls can be so stifling at times. (But when you pray, go to your inner room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret-Matthew 6:6) On my own, I'll get to know a little bit more about ..The Leader of Souls, The Water of Life, The Door, The Way, The Father, The Advocate, he has many names (I saw a religious poster with all the names and made a mental note of them) but right now he's My Strength.

Here's a verse in Luke 11 that caught my eye a few weeks ago and as I scanned through my Bible again it's also mentioned in Matthew 13...

The return of the Unclean Spirit
24: "When an unclean spirit goes out of someone, it roams through arid regions searching for rest but, finding none, it says 'I shall return to my home from which I came.' 25 But upon returning, it finds it swept clean and put in order. 26 Then it goes and brings back seven other spirits more wicked than itself who move in and dwell there, and the last condition of that person is worse than the first."

My Interpretation of this and how this relates to me: whatever temptation I successfully resist the first time...will return in a more irresistable form. And even if I have the strength the resist it a SECOND time.. it will return stronger..more tempting until I give in. I can't count the times I've been in this situation.

....it just happened.

I cheated...well almost. I tripped but I didn't fall. I signed on without even realizing it, like second nature or something. This is kinda hard, lol...

Somebody at work asked me if I would rather
a)have my parents walk in on me
b) me walk in on them

I chose a. But now that I think of it, I'd choose a little bit of both. If I was like married and they strolled in then who cares, but if it were like today....man, I dunno. My mom's not an idiot though, she knows what's up. I helped my friend shoot a commercial for her class today, didn't get to finish though. We're supposed to be promoting a Ne-Yo C.D. Ironically, the CD she purchased for the commercial is going to be returned when the production is done. So sick of love songs..so sad and slow. Why can't I turn off the radio. That's been stuck in my head alll day.

Lol, I came to the conclusion that the closest people to me are MEAN. My cousin that I've known since waaaaaaay back is trying to get me to go on FB one last time, that's like...offering an addict a drink when they FIRST get to rehab.

Day 1....I need a hit real bad.

I will not go on facebook. I will not go on facebook. I will not go on facebook. I've broken up with my obsession and now I'm on the rebound with this new swing. He's not as appealing and I barely know him, that's usually how it is. I almost got with myspace but...my goodness I heard he was a whore. I had to take a break from FB. Why am I talking about these things like they're real people, and where are my pictures...my "wall"..updated profiles...not like what I'm used to at all. It's like being in solitude on here, secluded artist with just a pen an paper. I had no idea how intimidating this would be. It's just me..me...me..(that's supposed to be an echo). 40 days is a long time though, druggies get 28..but I think I'll go Bible style. Hmm, I don't miss it that much. Blogger, I know this is soon but...I think I love you, Baby.