My Life is Brilliant

My mom gave me some free movie tickets they gave her at her job so I decide to use one to see a matinee I see The Break-Up, it's at 3:50..I stroll in at 3:50 something the previews are going on. And then it stops. There's like 20 other people in the theatre with me...we're all sitting there like....umm....it's time for it to start right? So this guy comes in with his walky talky and is like they're showing it in another theatre so we all move to the other theatre, and then we're watching some more previews and then he comes back in and is like "okay u guys are going to hate me" and I'm like I already hate you "and he's like....we're going to have to move back into the theatre you just came from" and I'm like alright whatever, and then he tells us because of this we're all going to get free tickets, yes! This is not the first time this has happened to me. Me and my cuz went to see Dude where's my car way back when and...the film just melted. Just like that, so we had to see another film. And then my ex and I went to see White Chicks I think and they started playing "The Terminal" instead there was just 4 people in the theatre that time but we still got free tickets.

I want to improve my relationships with my friends, I'm trying to balance life and relationships and usually I have to just focus on one thing and just say "FORGET IT!" but I realized that yes..yes.. if you really want to you can FIND time even though your tired because someone will actually appreciate it. I called a friend up out of the blue and she acted like she had just heard from a ghost...and I was like..no I'm alive and I don't need anything, let's do lunch and we did and it was fun, so we went to the mall and she insisted on buying me this dress...it was a cheap little club dress but she insisted on getting it for me and I'm thinking wow, reach out to people and they give you gifts for no reason.

My life...is kind of strange and the way I look at it is God preparing for what he wants me to do.
I wrote a 30 second poem called "Do what God has equipt you to do"

Look to the right and left and realize that
the life you wish you had is not for you
you're being used and that's not necessarily a bad thing
so do what life has prepared you to do
And make sure you just...you know, do YOU.
that's it. that's the end...yeah, brilliant.

LEAVE ME ALONE

Finally leaving my job. Yes, can't waite. There's a dry erase board in the backroom of my job like a communication board, you write all the to do lists and updates and whatnot. And I really didn't want to be there that day so I wrote in capital letters at the top of the board. "LEAVE ME ALONE"
I came back two days later and somebody drew an island with palm trees and waves and a ship off into the distance and a stick figure and in a speech bubble was the phrase that I put there. It reminded me of those Corona commercials where they throw their cell phones in the water and you just see their feet and hands, and ocean....and a Corona bottle. I think I stared at that picture for like 5 minutes thinking...damn I wish I was there. Before my new job I think I'll just take off a few days to just cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel.
"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT" I say that phrase sometimes and when I heard my brother say it, I laughed. My mom was trying to put him on the phone with his grandpa and he just wasn't having it. And when he said that I was just like...I feel you bro..I feel you.

Love. Again.

It's been an ongoing theme in my head. Love Love Love. Maybe because of that song that keeps playing everytime I get in my car. "Loooooooooooooooooooooove never knew what I was missing, but I knew once we start kissing fo-ound fo-ound fo-ound..." Someone told me that the brain patterns of someone (madly?) in love are similar to the brain patterns of someone insane. So, let's see. If you have a couple and they are madly in love with eachother, it's okay because it's mutual. But if one person is madly in love with the other, and it's one-sided...that other person is just...insane? obsessed? delusional? Yeah, sounds about right. Mutual=love, one-sided=insane. me=I'm single and I hate my life.

A few entries ago I mentioned an old man hitting on me when my co worker would walk away etc..well I saw him again yesterday, this time with his wife. I pretended I had never seen him in my life but every time she walked away he would just kinda stare...what a jerk.

Jammin

Went home yesterday...was driving my car, my little brother in the backseat. New song came on. I love it. So I'm nodding my head feeling the music and then I remember my little brother in the back seat, he says something like "this is Daddy's music" and I just see him nodding his head to the beat. And I'm thinking, "lol, that's cute, but should I turn it down?" I think about the music I remember from my early child hood.hmmm let's see songs like "pop that *******" "scarred" "in the bedroom all day and all of the night..." "let me ride that donkey" "daisy dukes" "Ima tell mama" I mean..I hear that Miami booty music and it reminds me of my childhood. Is that bad? I leave the music on, radio's much more censored than it used to be. He'll be fine...I turned out alright..right?

Love (question mark)

I usually like the original version of songs but..I'm listening to Frankie J's version of "More than words" over and over again and I don't even know why.

Saying "I love you"
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words
Is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me yeah
'Cause I'd already know

What would you do, if my heart was torn into?
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away?
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying "I love you"


Now that I've tried to talk to you
And make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands
And touch me
Hold me close, don't ever let me go
More than words
Is all you ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say, that you love me yeah
Cause I'd already know

More than words



You can LOVE so much more by doing than saying. I got a card from my Dad for my 21st birthday. It's one of the MAHOGANY cards by Hallmark. Hallmark for the mahogany people because they need seperate cards with people that kind of look like them. If I'm not mistaken it's in a seperate section, segregated from the other Hallmark cards and then one of the Mahogany cards wouldn't move for one of the white Hallmark cards because her feet were tired.....
The card says this
"Daughter, You are my precious gift
No one can count on the future, or know what they someday might do. But if I could have chosen a daughter, my heart would have reached out to you- I'd have wished for your warm disposition and dreamed of your spirit and style, I'd hoped for your love and affection, imagined your beautiful smile. Life holds some gifts and surprises, and one of the best there could be Is having a daughter as precious as the one who was given to me.

Happy Birthday
With all my love.
(In his handwriting) Happy Birthday. With all the love in the world. Your Father. (Just incase I forgot who he was)

With all the love in the world? I think I've figured out why my view on love is a little distorted see, I have the tendency to never call or keep in contact with the people I love and adore because since the person that's supposed to love me so much doesn't ever talk to me, unless I call him. I've learned from the best I guess. And then he has a list of excuses ready as to why he hadn't called etc... I guess when I finally hit the legal drinking age he realized he'd never really been there for me financially emotionally... So he suggests I open an account so he can transfer money biweekly...like some sort of "Hey sorry I wasn't around" paycheck. Because that's definetly a way to pay back the years...
Love is just being there...not money. I hadn't heard from him 6 months after his suggestion and I figured it was because he didn't have or want to spend the money on me. I didn't want the money. Honestly, I was happy I would have evidence he was alive every 2 weeks. Is money the reason he wasn't around? Is that all he thought I wanted? I'd always thought about that when I was a kid. Whenever I dated a guy I never wanted him to buy me anything...ohhhhhh but there's a catch. I wanted him to WANT to do it. I would ask for money or to buy me something just to see what he would say but I never really wanted it. Hell, they could bluff and say "hey, I WANT to buy you [insert superficial item here] " and I would just be happy know that they WANTED to do that, I'd never call their bluff...I didn't care. I'm not a gold digger. yeah it's good to have money and it's cool if someone spends it on you but...I dunno, I want to be able to support myself and he do the same etc..That's the real reward earning what you have I think. And someone giving from their heart...I can not stand when I guy brags about what he has or where's he's gone or what he drives and think that's supposed to impress someone...who gives a- , can you make me laugh, can we carry on a silly conversation about nothing (I love that) can we....listen to Cold Play without you thinking it's threatening your sexuality. Can you be yourself? And I do the same? Some many more things than frivolous materials things...
I called him on it...and if I'm not mistaken he agreed, that's one of the reasons why he hasn't kept in touch with me. And after saying that, he wanted to write a check right there, send it to me and everything to be all gravy....I told him not to do it. That God has blessed with all I've needed and that wasn't always just money. I lied. I still needed him. And my goodness I was broke, still am and would have loved to get that check however much it was. But just the idea of him thinking that was the solution made me mad. If he would just...I dunno, call for the hell of it, lol, if that happened, My God I think I would pass out...probably freak out and not even answer the phone...repent for my sins because the messiah is back, pigs would be...hell would have...I mean that would be a crazy day.
More than words....
Alright, must watch the Heat. They made it to the finals...been waiting for this since the 7th grade.

My Birthday's coming up in less than a month. I wonder...if I'll hear from him. Father's day is coming up this weekend...I wonder if I should...I didn't send a message to him this year for his b-day...I wonder if he's going to be the bigger the person and not do the same.

More than words.

Party Time

The past few times my mom called, I was asleep. She would call me at a decent our and I would just be. knocked. out. She called on Wednesday at 8:55 I groggily answer the phone.

"Hello.." I say
"You sleepin!"
"Yeah...kinda"
"It's 8:55 on a Thursday! (It was Wednesday)"
"Yeah I know I was just tired." I hear my brother in the background raising hell cause he wants attention.
"Oh my Gosh you people (referring to me and my sister) are so boring. Uhnu (You guys) Don't give me nuttin fi do (You guys do give me anything to do) I have nothing to plan! No engagement party, no baby shower(her wanting grandkids again), nothing! Mmmhm, nothing to do, I am so bored. It's 8:55 and you are sleeping."
I laugh "I dunno...I was just tired."
"Boring, Boring, Boring"
So...I mean like....honestly? What am I supposed to do? Let me go ahead and rob a bank real quick, we can have a "Last Day Before she goes to Jail Party", let me go ahead and get pregnant by some random dude and we can have a "Oh my god I got pregnant by a guy I don't even like and I hate my life" party. I mean there's so many options. She should just have a "My Daughters are semi responsible, and keep out of trouble because they knew I would kill them otherwise so they're basicly doing what I told them to do, but now I wish they would get married and have kids party, but untill then I'm going to throw a part for the hell of it in the big house in the middle of nowhere" party. That's a fun one, I like that one. We can have a bounce house and all.

Oh my goodness, just remembered party hats, the cone shaped one with the little elastic to keep it from falling off your head, and if another kid wanted to be a jerk they would pull the elastic and you'd feel this wonderful stinging sensation on your chin.

My cousin wants me to be the "Mistress of Ceremonies" for her sweet 16. Ummm, sounds like the whore of the party, but it's not. It's the host. Atleast that what my Aunt assured her. I said I "might" do it, but "might" usually means "yeah ok fine I'll do it".I feel like it's going to be a set up, I'm going to be hosting teenagers. Yeah..this is another set up. Can't waite to blog about that one.

This is for the psychologist in me. I was at the hair dresser the other day and I was reading Oprah's most recent magazine and there was this article about "Spongy" people. In short, there are people who when around certain people they sense that person's emotions and feel the way that they do. For example: Someone's around an angry stressed out person and they all of a sudden feel..angry and stressed out..when they were feeling just fine a minute ago. I think it has something to do with your subconscious picking up cues in that other person's demeanor. This can be positive or negative. I think I'm like that. I hang around people who are positive and all of a sudden there's this ray of sunshine, or people are just laid back and suddenly feel like "hey...you know, life? Life's alright!" But then I get around jealous, insecure, envious, malicious, people and I feel this negative vibe and I'm like "Oh my Goodness I hate this feeling why do I feel like this? I dont' want to be here!" Some people are oblivious to other people's emotions and that's cool, other's are sensitive. Other's are aware of this but can handle it (I wish I was like that), other's can't. Spongy Spongy Spongy Spongy.