Words

Over time words create different emotions within because of the situation we were in when we heard/learned/used that word...

"People won’t remember what you did;
They won’t remember what you said;
But, they will always remember
the way you made them feel!"
-Maya Angelou

I checked out this book when i was in high school called "Tomkat in Love" and the character always talked about different words that stuck in his brain and the situation that makes him remember them and I realize that sometimes when I'm having conversations with people they will say a word and my imagination will get to working and I'll be in that place that that word reminds me of. So I thought...why not come up with a list of random words and see where my mind takes me.

Respect- That episode of Fresh Prince when Ashley sang Aretha Franklin's "Respect" and she was wearing a black bustier and a jacket and she was basicly singing to her father because he didn't want her to grow up.

Cookie- A Disney Cookbook that I borrowed from the Library when I was in Elementary school that had the "sugar cookie" recipe and I made them until I got tired of them. I remember each character had a different dish, and one of them was Archimedes's Meatloaf.

Internet- Staying up all night on the internet talking to Hypnotism5 (Andy) HotSax(Matt) and WhataWhat(Sheldon) about a bunch of nothing until 2 o'clock in the morning when I had to get up at 5.

Love- "There's nothing wrong with me loving you." from Let's get it on which is my ring tone. Me saying it to you for the first time in a different language to throw you off "Ich liebe dich" probably one of the only phrases I remember from German.

Pharrell- Pronouncing his name wrong for the first few months that I realized he saved music. The "There she goes" Video with him and Baby face...Mystikal Shake it fast...but what really did it for me was "Pass the Courvorsier" Being in a Hotel in Tampa when Christina came to my room to tell me the video was on and seeing him under that table saying "Hey Busta...." and that famous "Waaah ooooh" he does.

Naked- Marcus Houston-video but not as unforgettable and the D'Angelo how does it feel video, and how everybody saw the video before me but couldn't tell me how the song went because they were too fixated on the v-muscles.

Yellow- Cold Play on the Box Music network which was replaced by MTV2 which sucked because you couldn't choose the videos you wanted to see. Seeing the Coldplay "yellow" for the first time and not knowing who they were but absolutely loving that song.

Court- 7th Grade thinking O.J. was innocent constantly watching that white Bronco over and over again on the news.

Game-Monster Trap that my mom or dad bought from a garage sale that was missing some of the pieces and there was a day in Kindergarten or First Grade that we could bring in Board Games and this kid named Scott Chewed up the Blue mouse, I think it was and there was spit all over it and I told the Teacher. Scott was weird, and I can't believe I remember his name.

texture- Texturizer. "Just Let your Soul Glo" commercial from coming to America.

Africa-Ethiopia where my grandmother said her ancestors might be from.

Football- Soccer, hating when soccer was on in Jamaica because there was only two Channels.

German- A coworker from when I used to work in Wal-Mart that was just so Hoodtastic that I would have never guessed she was born in Germany. She tutored me in German.

Credit Card- "Priceless" from the Mastercard commercials.

Mouth- Lips, kissing, but mostly eating.

Spring-Flowers graduation. Vibrant colors, turquoise turtle neck and skirt. A new beginning brilliantly green grass on neighbors lawns. Spring break.

Collide- That song, by....not sure what his name is. "Finally find where you and I, collide" it reminds me of how I meet people, almost seems like destiny. I have to had met you or my life wouldn't be complete.

Magic-Trying to figure out how Magicians do it, and when I did find out I was disappointed because that feeling of wonder disappeared.

Infinity- A word I learned in Elementary school, and once it was said. You won....if you multiplied infinity times infinity.

I'm too complicated...he's not complicated...but I'm too complicated.

This is my favorite song on Robin Thicke's CD because...it reminds me of me.
"Complicated"

I wish I could change
I wish I could change
I wish I could stop
Sayin the same old things
I wish I could be
Who u want me 2 be
I wish I could stop
Being the same old me
I wish I could lose
All of my blues
I wish I could stop
Puttin my blues on u
I wish I could love
Like nobody loves
I wish that my goods
Outweighed my bads enough

Theres no way Theres no way Theres no way
I can get back that girl(boy)
Cause Im 2 complicated
And shes(he's) not complicated
But Im 2 complicated

I wish I could change
I wish I could change
I wish I could stop
Placin the blame
I cant stop it
I cant break down
I cant drop it cant see how
I wish I could lose
All of my blues
I wish I could stop
Puttin my blues on u
I wish I could love
I wish that my goods
Outweighed my bads enough

You know its killin me
Baby how can I let u go
Suddenly theres nothing I need more

Theres no way Theres no way Theres no way
I can get back that girl(boy)

Unique

Some people say I'm unique which to me is like saying I'm weird but that's cool too. I'm not strange at all I just I love thinking along different lines and getting lost in ideas because you know everything is stemmed from an idea, someone who wasn't afraid to be different. I watched to Oscars to other day and I was so happy when Jennifer Hudson got that Oscar and the same for Forrest Whitaker...that man's speech still replays in my brain about a boy from East Texas growing up in South Central watching movies from the backseat of his parent's car never really thinking that it would be him. It's moments like that I live for...doing something that I never ever thought I could have done...
It just frustrates me when people constantly look at Movies and TV and use that to decide who they want to be, and try to live up to those images when...those people are fictional...and those people are people who were once were people who weren't afraid of being original and created a category of your own. So create a category of your own and stop worrying about what Beyonce and Madonna does with their lives. It's funny because there were so many people idolizing Britney Spears, all in her garbage can and making her favorite color theirs but now look at her. I wonder how many people want to be like her now?

That school that Oprah's built (been watching a bit of Oprah lately...missed today's show though) one of the little girl's said in her South African accent "Stop being a follower and choose to be a leader. Don't blend in, Blend out." Wow. True words.
Big things are the product of small things.
It's funny how Disney. The name sparks so many feelings, Lion King, Theme Parks, Movies, must have McDonald toys...and Disney started off with a man, drawing a mouse and believing in his dreams. Everything started out with someone daring to be different and so I will continue to be who I am...and not fall into the trap of thinking inside the box...because that's not what God put me here to do.

Caramel Delite Season

I've packed on a few pounds, ok I know that. I went back home this weekend and I didn't think it was a big deal...but the last thing my mother says to me is I need to stop drinking so much Boost and to stop constantly eating food with my cousin. And I was kind of like damn, I put on that much weight and then I thought about it....I've been Skinny Minny, Slim, Olive Oil, all my life God forbid I comfortably fit in a size 5. I mean God forbid I look like a normal person for the first time in my life and not this Lanky thing with boney arms flaling everywhere.....I did sit down and eat a box of caramel delites (formely known as Somoans....but now they want to be all PC on us. You think Jamaicans would care if they had cookies named after them? We woulda love fi it we Jamaica biscuit) 70 calories per cookie...70x15...1050 calories...in one sitting but you know what I don't do that often and those cookies only come around once a year and I have this other box sitting here feeling so neglected....I'm thinking of just giving it away to someone but I'm so selfish with these lovely caramel delights..but anyways that just effed up my day kinda....and I know I haven't been eating the healthiest foods lately but it just kinda sucked hearing that, so whatever. That outfit this little Delite is wearing is right on, your going to have to call one of them if you keep eating these things.

Nothing Even Matters

I haven't written in a while.....damn. I tried to search for some old stuff on my comp but I couldn't find it. One's hidden on facebook somewhere....the other I'll turn this room upside down to find. This is something I found and had completely forgotten about....written to probably the only song in the world I just can't seem to get tired of after all this time.

Nothing Even Matters
Went to another galaxy the other day
couldn't stop thinking how the universe I got there

I can't seem to find my soul it was searching for
another couldn't find my words they were
already being said and I thought maybe this was heaven
and no one had the heart to tell me I was dead
but it didn't matter cause nothing even matters is all I could remember
from that other place..playing on radios with missing antennas
and thinking that maybe this beat is what kept my heart beating
and maybe the anticipation of another meeting
but he never came and the music just played
and that's all I really wanted to do
and when I tried to remember my name
all that showed up was ur face
I didn't pack my bags I left you in that place and
some part of me was still standing there
and when I tried to say....it was already being said but
I didn't know the source.
And when the music played I couldn't imagine a better space
than this twin bed and and my back against the cold wood in '98 (or maybe it was 97)
thinking there's no place in the world I'd rather be
cause nothing even matters at all.
I went to another galaxy the other day and all I could
remember was her face..and
how much she wanted to disappear and when they asked
where she was,before she could respond she was somewhere else
and they thought they knew where that place was but if they only knew....
And the music kept playing till it she could remember his face
but that's not what she only wanted to see..
She had to return to press rewind because she never cared for CD's..
and the humm would just be there on the floor and fingertips would
grace the carpet in anticipation for the end. In the end there's was always rewind
In the end there was always..rewind. And when she'd ask where she had been she'd say "nothing"
She wasn't really sure how to explain...nothing even mattered at all.
Nothing but you...Nothing but you....if you came to that galaxy with me.
...there'd be no reason to come back.

I keep searching for that song, that I can just play and play never get tired of. This song came the closest...but I think I should enjoy things in moderation so I'd like to hear it again.
zwei tage (two days)

The Secret

I was watching Oprah and they had this episode on the "Secret". This episode sparked so many responses that a week later they had a follow up episode. She claimed this episode will change your life. Well the basic concept of this message(atleast that's what I got from it) is that you are energy. And whatever energy you put into the world, whether it's conscious or subconscious is the reason you live the life you lead. So if you're wondering why things happen. It's you. It's what you put out into the world. So you're wondering "why me?" well, it's you. You did it. This one woman was concerned about how this aligns with Christianity (Oprah was thinking the same thing to herself but I guess was a little intimidated about expressing this)
"Pray believing that ye have. And then you are able to receive."Is what the example the man used from the Bible. (He then claimed that the Jesus meant heaven being "a place within us" and not exactly a place we would go in the afterlife....but I have to disagree.)
So then Oprah talks about how she get's so many questions about success. "How can I be as successful as you?" "How can I be this rich." and she says she didn't intend to make so much money, she just did what she loved and this is the benefit she reaped from it. The same with Bill Gates, who she knows personally, he started with an idea in his garage and there it is. It's the passion that drives you and you may make money from it, and you may not. But in the meantime you are doing what you want to do..
My passion is God, writing, acting, comedy, true kindness. Let's see where that takes me.

I am my own worst enemy

I've been feeling outside myself lately whoever "myself" is. I can only imagine that sounding crazy. For the first time in my life I really felt like I did not know me. I was spending days wondering how do I piece these thoughts together, I am ridiculously confused. I've always known my upbringing has something to do with my feelings of inadequacy. So I usually blame my irrational thoughts on what mom said or what dad said. But it's deeper than that. How can you run away from the people who made you, because of them your here. So I molded this person from the mom said and dad saids and I realized that mom and dad didn't have very nice things to say and that led this creation of a...shaky foundation. But there was a reason that foundation did not quite fall apart.

No matter how low I felt in life, things just seemed to fall into place. I believe it's because of the religious lens in which I viewed to world. Maybe it was just coincidence, or false hope but I remember when I was a kid always turning to God. It got to the point when I reached my teens that I wished I didn't always feel like God was watching me. I wanted to do what I wanted like everybody else was and the feeling of somebody always looking over your shoulder was so restricting. But in reality, it was the feeling of always having somebody there when everybody was gone that kept me...sane?My belief in Christ is my foundation. The truth is you can't run from you're creator. There will be so many situations when you realize that how you handle this situation depends on your relationship with God, your parents, whoever lent a hand in creating you. So now I'm trying to make sense of all this, because I am so confused. My heart won't do what my mind tells it to do and it is really frustrating me.

The reason I am the person I am today. Is because of religion, that is how I dealt with it all. But I don't know if I truly dealt with is all and it keeps catching up with me everynow and then.
When I was kid...
I broke my mom's flashlight. I was so scared because my mom would know it was me. My body language would tell on me before I could confess. I thought "let me put a flashlight over this seed I planted and it'll grow faster." Well the thing "broke". The light would not come on no matter how much I banged and shook. So I prayed that light would come back on. And it did.
So my sister comes up to me a few days later telling me she broke something and I told her to pray. And she's like "what?" And I told her well I broke something and I prayed and so now it works. And she said "really?" and I said "yeah." I was probably 6 years old. Well my sister prayed and I'm not even sure what happened but I don't remember my mom threatening to send us to Jamaica for any broken items so I'm guessing everything was fine.
The point of that was that ever since I was a kid that's who I turned to because really, that's all I had sometimes....But that is everything I need. I had problems so much more serious than broken flashlights. That would lead me to prayer for the light, the way, the truth. But it's not always what I want to hear.

The Bible says.
"Do not think that I have come to bring peace upon the earth. I have come to bring not peace but the sword. For I have come to set
a man "against his father"
a daughter against his mother
and a daughter-in-law against her
mother-in-law;
and one's enemies will be those of his household."
Matthew 10:34-36
He is not playing.

Milk and Stereo?

I got a Valentine Today. From a girl. She's 7. It's one of little cards you pass around in elementary school because in elementary school you pass them around to everyone whether you like them or not. I kind of miss those days.

I've come to the conclusion that the teacher I'm interning for is a lesbian. 1) Because she has a picture of her and another female on a bridge somewhere.The female has her hand on her waist. That's a picture you take with you and your significant other if you ask me, and it must be important if she has it posted on her workspace 2)Because she always talks about how her "roommate" does this. What grown professional people with kids still have roommates? Speaking of kids 3)No picture of them and their Dad anywhere just her and her "roommate". Is there enough evidence to support this conclusion Or should I stop assuming. Whatever it's none of my business as long as she gives me a good review and I get that A she can be Tri-Sexual if she wants.

I've been getting random calls from people preaching the gospel lately. There was the preaching substitute teacher from a couple weeks ago(actually that was in person), my friend who's been born again recently, and my ex-director from a play I was in couple years ago.I feel like god is trying to tell me something so I'm praying for the wisdom to find out what that is.
Here's some internet Junk I found, lol. It's the brown version "Milk and Cereal". These fools were bored.


14 Days

Football Guilt.

I don't like football, I didn't even know who was playing until a few minutes before I headed over there to my friend's to watch the game. I just knew there would be tasty treats waiting for me. I didn't want to jump on the bandwagon last minute. I didn't like my hometown team the Miami Dolphins, they sucked so much while I was growing up, I mean I know they completed the only "perfect season" in the 70's but, in the 80/90's? I couldn't do it. I couldn't watch them lose all the time I'm too emotional. Whenever the superbowl was at Miami I'd look outside at the blimps hovering over the stadium wondering why it was never the Dolphins there. So I watched the Miami Heat get into fights with the Knicks and that's how I became a basketball fan.

I watched the game with my friend, her boyfriend, and her Dad. My friend's boyfriend Red I'll call him, is a hustler. He sells bootleg dvds, white tees whatever you need. He can find it. Not really. I asked him if he had Everybody Hates Chris season 2, he said no. So I won't be doing business with him. He always has bright ideas, during the game he came up with the bright idea that he should sell shirts that have text message phrases people commonly use....
"So how do people know it's a text message."
He doesn't know.
"Maybe you should include the phone on the shirt as well."
It might be a hot trend, who knows. He's the type of guy that thinks he has the whole world figured out. And to him everything is about money. Money=happiness. Money=future, Money=life. He's right to an extent but I disagree with the money=happiness part, so does my friend but we let him explain away anyway. Since he knows everything he insisted the game was rigged already, the mafia is controlling the referee's life so he's going to make shady calls. Everytime the ball dropped and they'd stop the game he'd jump up and yell "See I told you!" until we watched the replay. I kept reminding him that it was raining so the ball might be slippery. I didn't know who I wanted to win. My friend is a Colts fan because of P.Manning, and Red wanted the Bears to win because he bet 100 dollars. I felt bad when he lost that 100 because I'm ridiculously empathetic. He shouldn't be gambling anyway.

I've been packing on some pounds lately, nothing extremely noticeable but I've been trying to watch what I eat I've been paranoid about my health lately. No fastfood, no soda, easy on the sweets, excercise here and there, no use I'm still gaining weight. So I decide I'm going to lay off of the desert for a while. When I get there my friend's like "I bought cupcakes just for you, but you can't eat the vanilla ones only chocolate." There were plenty of chocolate ones. Publix cupcakes. I only like Publix cake. Not Winn-Dixie, definitely not Wal-Mart. Only Publix...sweet...mass produced...carbolicious cupcakes. And in the middle was a round cake with an edible image of the Colts and Bears Superbowl XLI South Florida 02/04/07. I wanted that cake. But I didn't want. I wanted all of it. And the cakes just there like "Stop playing, you don't even like football, you know you came here for me."
and I'm like.
"But what about the six pack I'm trying to get?"
And the cakes like "what six pack? you can always diet another day. But I won't always be here. Let's live for now. Right now. So...what do you want to do. Because you know something...I can make feel good"
And I'm like "Yeah, you'll make me happy now. But what about later, when your not here and I'm suffering the consequences you won't be any use for me then."
And the cakes like "Yeah but you know still want me."
And then my friend puts the cake in a container and tells me I can take it home. Damn.
I took a piece just now, it was so tasty. I took some frosting off to take some guilt away.

This video is pretty irrelevant. But I like this song. Gwen Stefani ft. Akon. 18 more days

Rehab

Thanks to fundamentalist procrastinator for introducing me to Amy Winehouse. This is a hot song and video.
Amy Winehouse- Rehab

That's where I'm at. Using a chewed up pencap to carve the days I have left on a cement wall. But I made it...to day 18. 22 days left. The reason why internet things are so addictive is because they provide these temporary highs that we habitually look forward to. Over and over again. Till we can't go without. I think I read somewhere that sometimes when we see anything from a new e-mail to a comment on our page our brain releases dopamine into our blood stream. Dopamine feels good. We strive to recreate that feeling. Different things make us feel good. A smile, money, webpages. Whatever works. I think attention in general makes us feel good. Whether some of us like to admit or not. FB was the perfect way to stall. It used to be music but once the song is over so is the trance but then the constant need for useless information about people I knew and didn't know wasn't the easiest to snap out of. So I quit. And people used to joke around all the time about being addicted to the thing.
"Do you check facebook (or myspace) the first thing in the morning?" check
"Do you brush your teeth while refreshing the page?" check
"Have you gotten mad at a friend, family,or significant other over something on facebook (or myspace)?" check check check.
I don't even want to know what myspace would do to me. I think everybody I ever met in my entire life is on that thing waiting to add new drama to my life. But it would be kind of cool to see what some people are up to. Whatever it's better than being on crack.22 more days.