Stand By Me (Ode to my Cuz)

They say misery loves company. When I'm miserable I don't want to see anyone's face and that's the truth. I rather just wallow in it till it disappears I mean...Why would I want anyone to accompany me, when someone was the one who usually caused my misery.
People suck.
They lie.
Cheat.
Steal.
"Smile in your face...all the time they want to take your place"
Have alterior motives...
They can be fake
And whenever I encounter these things it makes me miserable...I am a person and I'm probably guilty of everything on that list..so I'm a miserable hyprocrite..whatever I don't care.

I guess this is some kind of ode to my cuz ("Jessica" I'll call her)., How gay. But...I remember that summer I liked this kid, Jarred's not his real name but that's the I'll use.
(Quick note about Jarred and my cousins. They idolized him, they loved going to his house and hanging out with him, they thought he was so cool. Especially Jessica, my younger cuz)
So we're at his front door once again because he lived right down the street and, I'm teasing him about the moths and other critters on his house and my older cuz "Debbie" asks Jarred for a kiss. Meaning a hershey kiss, but she knew what the hell she was doing. And everybody knew there was a little something something going on between me and Jarred but Debbie didn't care. So my cuz asks for this kiss and Jarred kisses her on the cheek. And I'm like hold up, waite a minute, let me think about what you just did here. Debbie was elated, smiling her teeth off and I'm like...Jarred, so you're just going to just dip into my family like that?? And he looks like... what? Did I do something wrong? So I get "upset" not really, kinda pretend mad and I tell him he's a jerk etc...and he turns to Jessica to ask if she was mad at him too, and Jessica...I'll never forget this, turned her back on him and didn't say a word. Jarred was once her idol but now..he was the jerk that I proclaimed he was. Because she. had. my. back. And so we turned our backs on him together, and my older cuz Debbie, just went skipping on the way home in joy. And me and Jessica walked home, side by side.

That's the thing about Jessica...it's like, she wants to see me happy. No matter what. She's taught me how to be happy for other people...I wonder if she knows that? No matter what I do, she thinks it's the greatest thing in the world. When somebody makes me sad, she doesn't like that person...she turns her back right there with me. I showed her a picture of my ex's ex girlfriend We both know the girl is cute...or maybe I just think so...but without saying a world...only because she knows what I've gone through with my ex, this girl becomes the ugliest, bitchiest person she has ever seen. The first thing that comes out of her mouth is "She's looks evil...[shakes her head] bitch" and I laugh because she knows that's what I want to hear. She knows the girl isn't that bad...but she instantly bashes her to make me feel better.

Our bond is so strong and it's funny because I don't really know why. Because my Older cousin...I love her to death but I would turn my back on anyone who upset her but she wouldn't do the same for me and that's okay with me, I still love her and would stand by her if she really needed me. But with Jessica...it's almost instant, no words need to be exchanged, I tell her "so and so" pissed me off and she's right there going through it with me. Maybe that will change through time, maybe when she get's older that bond might disappear...but I will NEVER forget many times that she stood by me.

False Paradise

Thoughts running faster than the mind
Running into actions to quick to decide
Decisions arrived before anyone understood why
And the sun was sooo warm on the false paradise.
They sipped Caronas everything was nice...
Water so blue
Skin so silky to the touch
Love guided his fingers tips
to her hips
and her eyes said forever in the artificial breeze
The sand was a sham but they didn't mind
It comforted their backs in the false paradise
And in the distance you could see the truth...
and in the distance she could see...
But it didn't matter their hearts always knew
The sky wouldn't always be blue


Sometimes it'll be purple...in this pic I found

I was talking to a guy, and he said "false paradise" and I was like oh my goodness I should make a poem about that. and I did.

There's a part in the animated film "Madagascar" when the lion get's to the island and he realizes that he's not longer in the city zoo and that there's not going to to anyone serving him a streak for breakfast lunch and dinner and He looks down at the animal community and all of a sudden everyone looks like a steak, even his best friends.

I've been single for 8 months. I work at a place with mostly guys. Everybody looks like a...steak.

Before the semester ended I went into the quick stop market that's on campus and bought sushi and a drink. I go up to the counter and the girl's just yapping away with some guy. I push my stuff up to the scanner to give her a head start. She only scans the sushi, I push up the drink a little more..maybe she didn't see it. She still doesn't scan it, I got a free drink.

Santa Clause is not only black, but he works at McDonald's

Couple weekends ago I visited home ,my second home down south, and after a weekend of rain I gave up on going to the beach and decided we should just go to a movie. None of us saw Pirates of the Carribean so it was a deal, Pirates of the Carribean it was. My younger cousins wanted to argue with me about what theatre to go to, I said Muvico, they said Sawgrass. Sawgrass for what? I'm not driving all the way across the country (30minutes) to Sawgrass. "But Muvico is soo, tired. Tired, tired, tired." they said. "Well, I'm tired, so I'm not driving to Sawgrass. Come on, Muvico's cool, it has to nice Pyramid theme going on, you know...thumbs up. Alright, look. I'm not driving to Sawgrass so you guys can see your little boyfriends." They wanted to argue with me some more. Finally I pointed to my gas tank "You see how much gas I have?, ok, Muvico it is." "Can't argue with that." So...we're hungry. Nooo, we're famished. Didn't eat anything all day, I had just come from the Salon, and hadn't eaten since breakfast in the morning. It was like....10ish. We found a good parking space so I didn't want to leave it. We decided we could just walk to whatever nearby food place. My older cuz wants to go to Cold Stone's. Damn good ice cream, but I didn't want ice cream, I wanted some solid food. McDonald's. It definetly took longer than it should have at Cold Stone's the rest of us wanted McDonald's.



We're walking there it's like 10:20, movie starts, 10:40. We get there, I'm soo hungry and there's a line. Not a long one, but still, a line. The manager at the time was this middle ages man with permed hair in a ponytail. He was definetly older but seemed like he didn't mind working at McDonald's in his mid life. And what was funny was that...he had a perm..but it didn't seem wierd at all. He seemed genuinely happy about life in general , and I came to the conclusion that that was because this man must have had a rough past life, probably in and out of jail, drug problem, his fare share of the ladies, a son he's probably dissappointed. And now he's cleaned up his life, McDonald's hired him even though he was a felon, and for the first time...he finally owns his own home..::tear::. I came to that conclusion because...usually when someone's older and working in fast food...you can tell how much they HATE THEIR LIFE, but no...this guy was alright.

10:20ish my cousin's finally order. 2 McChicken's, 2 drinks, 2 Apple Pies, a fudge sundae, fries.. $8ish, holla. I order a bacon double cheesburger and a drink. We have to keep it simple because I plan on bringing it to the theatre with me. My cousins get their food a little after they ordered andI'm still waiting for my bacon double cheeseburger. I go to the table where they're eating, steal some food from them look over at the counter....my burger's still not there. I look in my cousin's bag, I see two cheeseburger's that they haven't touched. I pick up the burger's all of a sudden four eyes are on me, I look at them shrug my shoulders, put it back in the bag. I go back to the counter my burger still isn't there. I don't want to complain because I don't want to sound rude, but it's just ONE DAMN BURGER HURRY UP THE MOVIE HAS STARTED. I waite at the counter..they keep taking orders...my burger is still not there. I go back to my cousins, they're still grubbing, I look in their bag, still the two cheeseburgers they haven't touched. I pick one up, contemplate taking a bite, they'll get over it, once again...Four eyes on me, I put it back down. Look over at the counter. Burger's STILL not there. Finally I go to the counter, he finally hands me my burger. "Sorry for the waite." "It's okay" I say. When has someone ever said "It's okay" and it really was okay??? I go to the table where my cousin's are and tell them pack up, the movie's started, let's go. From the Corner of my eye...I can see the manager staring at us. I stuff my burger in my purse and tell them to stick food wherever they can we need to leave now. Once they have everything I look in the bag on the table....the two cheeseburgers are still there.
"Aren't you taking these?" I say. Both my cousins look at me.
"I thought they were for you." my cuz says.
"No, I just ordered a bouble bacon cheeseburger."
"Oh I thought you ordered with us."
"No, I that's why I was waiting at the counter...they took too forever with my burger"
"Ohh, I was wondering why you were waiting at the counter, I thought these were for you."
Now had we not been so hungry and in a hurry that's probably how the conversation went. But it really went something like this.
"Aren't you taking these"
"I thought they were for you."
"sdkjfsdakjfaskjdfaskljdflkasjdf"
"asldkfjasldkfjaslkdjfaslkdjflaskdjf"
"aslkdfjalskfdjlkasjdfasd;flas;dflk"
"asldkfjaslkdjflaksdjflkasjdflkjasf"
"WELL SHIT!"
and then we snatched those burgers out of the bag and rushed out because the McPolice probably would have came and got us. Because the restaurant probably wasn't closing soon anyway and they probably weren't going to end up throwing those burgers away anyway. From the corner of my eye I swear I could see the manager with a smirk on his face.
Later while watching the movie my cousin yells "Oh!" like a light bulb went on in her head. Later on she tells me it was because from the moment we got there he was looking at us and when we discovered the burgers were free he smiled.

Thanks Santa. In his eyes, he wasn't contributing high cholesterol and blood pressure, but merely doing a good deed in the middle of July. I'll pay it forward.

Forever 21 bags

I shop at Forever 21 every now and then, on every bag there's John 3:16 on the bottom. I always see it but one day, on a Sunday in particular I decided I would look it up in the bible and see what it says...because to me it was like...why would a clothing store have a bible verse on the bag? Who owns this franchise? Not even going to lie I'm almost positive the clothes are made in a Chinese sweatshop and that's why the clothes are so cheap(It's almost unavoidable to purchase anything in this country that was not put together by the hands of an underpaid Asian/[Or some other country child]...) but the verse...the verse makes me feel maybe a 1/3 less guilty for spending my money there...maybe it's a trap for people like me...anyways.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him might not parish but might have eternal life"
John 3:16
The basic summary of the new testamet.
So when I'm shopping for accessories and tiny little tube tops I'm reminded that yes, Jesus died for my sins and whoever owns this place agrees. So strange...that connection.

Wrote this on Sunday.

I can't describe so I won't.
Sitting back wondering why and how
And your why and how became my now
I never understood but now I know why.
I under[stand] because of a fraction of your strength
is my strength
and your lengths is my lifetime
and...I can't describe so I won't.
But I will just say...
Thank-you, Jesus.

Dear Mom and Dad

I hate rhyming poems. They're the worst I like abstract lines rich with metaphors but lately for some reason that's all I could come up with. Whatever works. I wrote this just now, not sure what it means but it's coming from a very familiar place, if anything it explains all of me.

Letter to Mom and Dad (I have never called either of my parents "Mom" or "Dad" in my life Mommy and Daddy of course.)

"Dear Mom and Dad,
I know you've dealt with a lot in that past
And for those moments you feel that life owes you back
I guess that somebody who owes is me
but now the burden's getting a little heavy
I'm a little weak
My savior gave me strength to carry this load
But it's kinda hard for me to carry this alone
(this is where I stop rhyming)
To the point where I can hardly breathe....

One day I'll just let it all go, all this will be forgotten and then... nobody will have to worry. So the debt ends with me.
Love,
your daughter and I use love because I really mean it."

Sometimes crazy people talk to me about strange things and I listen because sometimes I like things not considered the "norm" and this guy is telling me a story and he says in the midst of it that sometimes it helps to just look up at the SKY^. And I'm like...how in the world did I get in a conversation with this guy and how did it lead to this but I liked where the subject was going because I never thought of doing that. I mean it's there right above us but we're so busy looking down or ahead but what about up? Up's a direction to. It's been really cloudy lately but in between clouds there's this beautiful blue....and that guy's right. It does help.

My Life is Brilliant

My mom gave me some free movie tickets they gave her at her job so I decide to use one to see a matinee I see The Break-Up, it's at 3:50..I stroll in at 3:50 something the previews are going on. And then it stops. There's like 20 other people in the theatre with me...we're all sitting there like....umm....it's time for it to start right? So this guy comes in with his walky talky and is like they're showing it in another theatre so we all move to the other theatre, and then we're watching some more previews and then he comes back in and is like "okay u guys are going to hate me" and I'm like I already hate you "and he's like....we're going to have to move back into the theatre you just came from" and I'm like alright whatever, and then he tells us because of this we're all going to get free tickets, yes! This is not the first time this has happened to me. Me and my cuz went to see Dude where's my car way back when and...the film just melted. Just like that, so we had to see another film. And then my ex and I went to see White Chicks I think and they started playing "The Terminal" instead there was just 4 people in the theatre that time but we still got free tickets.

I want to improve my relationships with my friends, I'm trying to balance life and relationships and usually I have to just focus on one thing and just say "FORGET IT!" but I realized that yes..yes.. if you really want to you can FIND time even though your tired because someone will actually appreciate it. I called a friend up out of the blue and she acted like she had just heard from a ghost...and I was like..no I'm alive and I don't need anything, let's do lunch and we did and it was fun, so we went to the mall and she insisted on buying me this dress...it was a cheap little club dress but she insisted on getting it for me and I'm thinking wow, reach out to people and they give you gifts for no reason.

My life...is kind of strange and the way I look at it is God preparing for what he wants me to do.
I wrote a 30 second poem called "Do what God has equipt you to do"

Look to the right and left and realize that
the life you wish you had is not for you
you're being used and that's not necessarily a bad thing
so do what life has prepared you to do
And make sure you just...you know, do YOU.
that's it. that's the end...yeah, brilliant.

LEAVE ME ALONE

Finally leaving my job. Yes, can't waite. There's a dry erase board in the backroom of my job like a communication board, you write all the to do lists and updates and whatnot. And I really didn't want to be there that day so I wrote in capital letters at the top of the board. "LEAVE ME ALONE"
I came back two days later and somebody drew an island with palm trees and waves and a ship off into the distance and a stick figure and in a speech bubble was the phrase that I put there. It reminded me of those Corona commercials where they throw their cell phones in the water and you just see their feet and hands, and ocean....and a Corona bottle. I think I stared at that picture for like 5 minutes thinking...damn I wish I was there. Before my new job I think I'll just take off a few days to just cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel.
"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT" I say that phrase sometimes and when I heard my brother say it, I laughed. My mom was trying to put him on the phone with his grandpa and he just wasn't having it. And when he said that I was just like...I feel you bro..I feel you.

Love. Again.

It's been an ongoing theme in my head. Love Love Love. Maybe because of that song that keeps playing everytime I get in my car. "Loooooooooooooooooooooove never knew what I was missing, but I knew once we start kissing fo-ound fo-ound fo-ound..." Someone told me that the brain patterns of someone (madly?) in love are similar to the brain patterns of someone insane. So, let's see. If you have a couple and they are madly in love with eachother, it's okay because it's mutual. But if one person is madly in love with the other, and it's one-sided...that other person is just...insane? obsessed? delusional? Yeah, sounds about right. Mutual=love, one-sided=insane. me=I'm single and I hate my life.

A few entries ago I mentioned an old man hitting on me when my co worker would walk away etc..well I saw him again yesterday, this time with his wife. I pretended I had never seen him in my life but every time she walked away he would just kinda stare...what a jerk.

Jammin

Went home yesterday...was driving my car, my little brother in the backseat. New song came on. I love it. So I'm nodding my head feeling the music and then I remember my little brother in the back seat, he says something like "this is Daddy's music" and I just see him nodding his head to the beat. And I'm thinking, "lol, that's cute, but should I turn it down?" I think about the music I remember from my early child hood.hmmm let's see songs like "pop that *******" "scarred" "in the bedroom all day and all of the night..." "let me ride that donkey" "daisy dukes" "Ima tell mama" I mean..I hear that Miami booty music and it reminds me of my childhood. Is that bad? I leave the music on, radio's much more censored than it used to be. He'll be fine...I turned out alright..right?

Love (question mark)

I usually like the original version of songs but..I'm listening to Frankie J's version of "More than words" over and over again and I don't even know why.

Saying "I love you"
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words
Is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me yeah
'Cause I'd already know

What would you do, if my heart was torn into?
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away?
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying "I love you"


Now that I've tried to talk to you
And make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands
And touch me
Hold me close, don't ever let me go
More than words
Is all you ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say, that you love me yeah
Cause I'd already know

More than words



You can LOVE so much more by doing than saying. I got a card from my Dad for my 21st birthday. It's one of the MAHOGANY cards by Hallmark. Hallmark for the mahogany people because they need seperate cards with people that kind of look like them. If I'm not mistaken it's in a seperate section, segregated from the other Hallmark cards and then one of the Mahogany cards wouldn't move for one of the white Hallmark cards because her feet were tired.....
The card says this
"Daughter, You are my precious gift
No one can count on the future, or know what they someday might do. But if I could have chosen a daughter, my heart would have reached out to you- I'd have wished for your warm disposition and dreamed of your spirit and style, I'd hoped for your love and affection, imagined your beautiful smile. Life holds some gifts and surprises, and one of the best there could be Is having a daughter as precious as the one who was given to me.

Happy Birthday
With all my love.
(In his handwriting) Happy Birthday. With all the love in the world. Your Father. (Just incase I forgot who he was)

With all the love in the world? I think I've figured out why my view on love is a little distorted see, I have the tendency to never call or keep in contact with the people I love and adore because since the person that's supposed to love me so much doesn't ever talk to me, unless I call him. I've learned from the best I guess. And then he has a list of excuses ready as to why he hadn't called etc... I guess when I finally hit the legal drinking age he realized he'd never really been there for me financially emotionally... So he suggests I open an account so he can transfer money biweekly...like some sort of "Hey sorry I wasn't around" paycheck. Because that's definetly a way to pay back the years...
Love is just being there...not money. I hadn't heard from him 6 months after his suggestion and I figured it was because he didn't have or want to spend the money on me. I didn't want the money. Honestly, I was happy I would have evidence he was alive every 2 weeks. Is money the reason he wasn't around? Is that all he thought I wanted? I'd always thought about that when I was a kid. Whenever I dated a guy I never wanted him to buy me anything...ohhhhhh but there's a catch. I wanted him to WANT to do it. I would ask for money or to buy me something just to see what he would say but I never really wanted it. Hell, they could bluff and say "hey, I WANT to buy you [insert superficial item here] " and I would just be happy know that they WANTED to do that, I'd never call their bluff...I didn't care. I'm not a gold digger. yeah it's good to have money and it's cool if someone spends it on you but...I dunno, I want to be able to support myself and he do the same etc..That's the real reward earning what you have I think. And someone giving from their heart...I can not stand when I guy brags about what he has or where's he's gone or what he drives and think that's supposed to impress someone...who gives a- , can you make me laugh, can we carry on a silly conversation about nothing (I love that) can we....listen to Cold Play without you thinking it's threatening your sexuality. Can you be yourself? And I do the same? Some many more things than frivolous materials things...
I called him on it...and if I'm not mistaken he agreed, that's one of the reasons why he hasn't kept in touch with me. And after saying that, he wanted to write a check right there, send it to me and everything to be all gravy....I told him not to do it. That God has blessed with all I've needed and that wasn't always just money. I lied. I still needed him. And my goodness I was broke, still am and would have loved to get that check however much it was. But just the idea of him thinking that was the solution made me mad. If he would just...I dunno, call for the hell of it, lol, if that happened, My God I think I would pass out...probably freak out and not even answer the phone...repent for my sins because the messiah is back, pigs would be...hell would have...I mean that would be a crazy day.
More than words....
Alright, must watch the Heat. They made it to the finals...been waiting for this since the 7th grade.

My Birthday's coming up in less than a month. I wonder...if I'll hear from him. Father's day is coming up this weekend...I wonder if I should...I didn't send a message to him this year for his b-day...I wonder if he's going to be the bigger the person and not do the same.

More than words.

Party Time

The past few times my mom called, I was asleep. She would call me at a decent our and I would just be. knocked. out. She called on Wednesday at 8:55 I groggily answer the phone.

"Hello.." I say
"You sleepin!"
"Yeah...kinda"
"It's 8:55 on a Thursday! (It was Wednesday)"
"Yeah I know I was just tired." I hear my brother in the background raising hell cause he wants attention.
"Oh my Gosh you people (referring to me and my sister) are so boring. Uhnu (You guys) Don't give me nuttin fi do (You guys do give me anything to do) I have nothing to plan! No engagement party, no baby shower(her wanting grandkids again), nothing! Mmmhm, nothing to do, I am so bored. It's 8:55 and you are sleeping."
I laugh "I dunno...I was just tired."
"Boring, Boring, Boring"
So...I mean like....honestly? What am I supposed to do? Let me go ahead and rob a bank real quick, we can have a "Last Day Before she goes to Jail Party", let me go ahead and get pregnant by some random dude and we can have a "Oh my god I got pregnant by a guy I don't even like and I hate my life" party. I mean there's so many options. She should just have a "My Daughters are semi responsible, and keep out of trouble because they knew I would kill them otherwise so they're basicly doing what I told them to do, but now I wish they would get married and have kids party, but untill then I'm going to throw a part for the hell of it in the big house in the middle of nowhere" party. That's a fun one, I like that one. We can have a bounce house and all.

Oh my goodness, just remembered party hats, the cone shaped one with the little elastic to keep it from falling off your head, and if another kid wanted to be a jerk they would pull the elastic and you'd feel this wonderful stinging sensation on your chin.

My cousin wants me to be the "Mistress of Ceremonies" for her sweet 16. Ummm, sounds like the whore of the party, but it's not. It's the host. Atleast that what my Aunt assured her. I said I "might" do it, but "might" usually means "yeah ok fine I'll do it".I feel like it's going to be a set up, I'm going to be hosting teenagers. Yeah..this is another set up. Can't waite to blog about that one.

This is for the psychologist in me. I was at the hair dresser the other day and I was reading Oprah's most recent magazine and there was this article about "Spongy" people. In short, there are people who when around certain people they sense that person's emotions and feel the way that they do. For example: Someone's around an angry stressed out person and they all of a sudden feel..angry and stressed out..when they were feeling just fine a minute ago. I think it has something to do with your subconscious picking up cues in that other person's demeanor. This can be positive or negative. I think I'm like that. I hang around people who are positive and all of a sudden there's this ray of sunshine, or people are just laid back and suddenly feel like "hey...you know, life? Life's alright!" But then I get around jealous, insecure, envious, malicious, people and I feel this negative vibe and I'm like "Oh my Goodness I hate this feeling why do I feel like this? I dont' want to be here!" Some people are oblivious to other people's emotions and that's cool, other's are sensitive. Other's are aware of this but can handle it (I wish I was like that), other's can't. Spongy Spongy Spongy Spongy.

Kids

I love kids. They're so keeeyute, when they're not being a spoiled brat, but even then they can be.

Last time I went back home I was in the Step-Dad's office playing on his laptop when my little brother comes in wanting to know what I was doing. His pet turtle/tortoise was in the room and he asked me if I met her. I told him I did, and that I knew he was afraid of it. Conversation went something like this.

"You see my turtle his name is Robin"
"Yeah I saw her already"
"I'm scared of him."
"Why are you scared, there's nothing to be scared of"
"He's cute right?"
"Yeah she's cute"
"Take her out"
"No you take her out"
"But I'm scared"
"I thought you just said she was cute."
"She is cute"
"So take her out."
"No I'm scared"
"Don't be scared, you take her out"
"No you take her out, please, please take her out"
"But your scared"
"I'm not scared"
"So take her out."
"No you take her out."
"Why do you want me to take her out"
"Because she's cute."
"So if she's so cute then take her out"
....this coversation went on for maybe a half hour. I was happy to be arguing with my little br0ther. I didn't care how pointless it was.

I think I missed that line where they were handing out identities

Is there such thing as having too much in common with someone? Too the point where...hmm.

Do opposites really attract? Hmm....

I think I missed that line where they were handing out identities because one day I woke up and realized that nothing could define me, and it turns out my identity can't be defined. Shit. I've got to fall in some kind of stereotype so I could find a group of people that like what a like, I think I must have missed that meeting when they discussed what I'm supposed to like too. Damn. Guess I'm stuck being an individual. Is it too late for one of those meetings? I'll take a lot of notes.

Nothing even matters

Went to another galaxy the other day
couldn't stop thinking how the universe I got there

I can't seem to find my soul it was searching for
another couldn't find my words they were
already being said
and I thought maybe this was heaven
and no one had the heart to tell me I was dead
but it didn't matter cause nothing even matters is all I could remember
from that other place..playing on radios with missing antennas
and thinking that maybe this beat is what kept my heart beating
and maybe the anticipation of another meeting
but he never came and the music just played
and that's all I really wanted to do
and when I tried to remember my name
all that showed up was ur face
I didn't pack my bags I left you in that place and
some part of me was still standing there
and when I tried to say....it was already being said but
I didn't know the source.
And when the music played I couldn't imagine a better space
than this twin bed and and my back against the cold wood in '98 (or maybe it was 97)
thinking there's no place in the world I'd rather be
cause nothing even matters at all.
I went to another galaxy the other day and all I could
remember was her face..and
how much she wanted to disappear and when they asked
where she was,before she could respond she was somewhere else
and they thought they knew where that place was but if they only knew....
And the music kept playing till it she could remember his face
but that's not what she only wanted to see..
She had to return to press rewind because she never cared for CD's..
and the humm would just be there on the floor and fingertips would
grace the carpet in anticipation for the end. In the end there's was always rewind
In the end there was always..rewind. And when she'd ask where she had been she'd say "nothing"
She wasn't really sure how to explain...nothing even mattered at all.
Nothing but you...Nothing but you....if you came to that galaxy with me.
...there'd be no reason to come back.

Wrote that a couple months ago.

He's gone, ok?

I don't know how to tell my mom me and my ex broke up in January. After two year and some change. I didn't even know she liked him untill I went home for Spring break and she. kept. on. mentioning.him. That and how she wanted grandkids. Woah. My little brother is going to have to be her grandkid for now.Whatever, I'm staying single for all of '06. I did get "married" for a little bit though, lol. A platonic marriage...how about that? I'm going to think REALLY hard about it next time I let my boyfriend meet my ENTIRE family...goodness.

It's good to know what you want.

He's gone, k? Well not completely

Back home, Part 3, the worst

We get back from Denny's. My cuz mentioned before that she wanted to visit her middle school. What nerd, who visits they're teachers after leave. I say fine whatever let's go. I realize that her guy friend is still there. Did he plan on going home anytime soon? Did he want to come to the middle school with us even though he'd never attended there?

Me and my cuz kind of have our own language. It was made up a couple years ago when I spent a loong summer back home. I can't even describe it, it's like a mumble with a old man...southern dialect of maybe the alabama or mississippi area? Lol...dunno. We discovered it when she was making a prank call one day. The problem is, sometimes we don't realize people don't know what the hell we're talking about.

I say to my cuz looking over at her guy friend "alksjfaskljdfhaskljfhaskljfhasdkjfh"
translation: "Is he going to come with us?"
She says "sdlfkdfgsdlfgjdlaskdjasdkjh"
translation: I don't know, he has nothing else to do
I say: "asdkjasdlkjasdiasjdka"
translation: "Is he going to be here all day"
She says: "asldkjaslkdjaslkjdlkjslkasdj"
translation: "I don't know....seems like-"

All of a sudden her guy friend yells "WHAT ARE YOU GUYS SPEAKING?!"
I laughed. so. hard. The frustration/confusion on his face was...hilarious. Mainly because we didnt even realize we were talking that way.


After we get back from visiting the middle we all go upstairs in my cuz's room. Her guy friend tinkers around on the internet then lays face first on her bed and falls dead asleep. My cuz turns on the t.v. and Roseanne marothon is on. She loves Roseanne, so do I . I'm sitting at the computer chair and and I look at the boy sleeping on her bed, then I look at her...and struggle with the "what's the responsible adult thing to do" but I figure...well. Whatever, my aunt knows he visits every now and then so I don't think it's a huge problem. My cuz asks me to read her my "My two birds were on a telephone pole" story to her again. She's always been a fan of my writing. I decide I'm tired too, and there's no space left on that bed, so I go to my other cousin's room and fall asleep.

I wake up to my cousin's phone ringing next to me, although I 'm not sure why it's there. Some friend from school....I wake up again.. this time it says "Angel" her mom. I look at the clock and it's like 6:30 something. I go into her room. She's not there. My older cousin comes out of her room and asks if I've seen. "L" I tell her no. Her mom had called her too. I searched the house, still can't find her. I go downstairs check everywhere. She's not there. I ask the neighborhood kids that have to be the last kids on earth who still play outside EVERYDAY...Once when I was 19 they asked me if I wanted to play kickball with them...I was half tempted too...One kid said she had left 10 minutes ago. I wondered if any of them owned a watch and knew the meaning of 10 minutes. My aunt calls her phone again, I don't answer. I have no answer for her. My older cousin tells her she doesn't know where she is once again. Then I look outside again. My car is gone. I'm furious. I ask my cousin for the keys to her car and we drive around the neighborhood looking for my car...we have no idea where to look, where to go, what street I'm just driving with mindless fury...."She must have lost her mind" I kept saying. My cuz suggests it was his fault, but I assure her that she has a mind of her own. She's always been an independent thinker. I was more hurt than anything.
We get home with no success. I remember my cuz's phone must have her guy friend in the recent calls list. I find his name and dial his number. He answers.
"Hello"
"Where is my car?"
"........'L'.."
"You guys have 10 minutes to get here with my car, or I'm reporting stolen and you both are going to jail. Ok?" he hangs up.
I wait. My cars still not there. I don't keep track of the time. 2 minutes must have gone by. I call again. No one answers. His voice mail was some song I never heard, I listened to the squealing impatiently waiting for the freakin tone. "You guys have 5 minutes to get here before I report my car stolen and you two are going to jail" An empty threat. But I figured they would get here faster that way. My older cuz talks about how she supsects that she took her car without asking before. I don't say anything. I already knew truth of that story. I call again. This time my cousin answers.
"Hello"
"Where are you." I say.
"Hiatus"
"Why the hell are you on Hiatus?" Hiatus was probably a mile or two away.....
".....::sigh::I didn't..." her voice trails off.
" Get my car here. NOW."

While I wait for them. I stare towards the garage door. My older cousin in sitting at the kitchen table talking to my aunt on the phone. I tell her not to say anything yet. I need to organize my thoughts...but I didn't know what to think. It was surreal...like I didn't know her at all. I look towards the front door. My car is back. I wait. My cuz walks in pale in the face and sits down on the steps. I lean against the counter...my fury being replaced with hurt and confusion.

My cuz has been there at the lowest of the lowest points of my life. When I felt like there was no love left in this world, no true genuine love, he proved me wrong. When I was pretty much sure I was worthless her lit her face when I would arrive told me otherwise. She was the reason..I continued to write, she taught me how to love...she was my strength when I thought I was no one at all. And when people in my life made me feel so low...and I'd take my sadness out on her...she showed my how to...forgive. I'd always thought I had been this horrible person to her in the past, but for some reason...she could never recall. She prank called businesses to make me laugh, acted as though my writing was the greatest thing she read, turned her back on whoever made me sad.... and here I was looking for the words to show how pissed off I was. This must be what it feels like to be a parent.

"Where's J?" I ask her. He hid in the bathroom.
"Why did you take my car?"
" His mom called, his two younger brothers were home by themselves so he needed to go check on them, and he wanted to pick up his paycheck to pay you back for the gas."
"Aunty has been calling for you. What did you expect me to say when I had no idea where you were. What did u expect me say? I woke up and you were gone and my car was gone. You don't even have a learner's permit. If anything had happened to you, it would have been my ass. Not just you. You could have been laying in a ditch somewhere, I wouldn't have known. If anything, anything, could have happened to my CAR my mother is going to let me drive around with what's left of it, so I'm really hoping you'd leave me with atleast an engine and some wheels. You really have to think before you do these things. You really have to just, stop and think. 'How does this look to other people' because to you it's yeah I'm going to take the car and be right back and everything is going to be all good. But for me, I woke up, you were gone and so was my car. I could have reported my car stolen and you two would have been in jail. No questions asked. And you really don't want that on your record. Did you not think I wasn't going to wake up anytime soon? I mean how long did you really think I was going to stay alseep?"
She shruggs her shoulders.
"You really have to think before you do these things. And please, let someone know before you leave I mean you basically left me with nothing. Nothing. I woke up with a chicken bone on the table and I was supposed to make Thanksgiving dinner. Didn't leave even leave me a turkey bone. No, chicken. I had nothing to work with it. Why did it have to be the weekend I was here? You had all day to plan this drama and you wait till an hour and a half before Aunty comes home. Do you know if Aunty finds out all she has to do is mention to my mom 'it was the weekend that I was there' you know what's going to happen to me? All I can hear is "'A', you mean to tell me say, you let 'L' let a boy in the house that you don't even know, and you let him stay in the room and you go in the other room and fall asleep. How can you be so irresponsible? Aunty works hard for what she has in that house and don't even have the decency to be an adult? You risk her house and your car because you want to be irresponsible...22 years old and.......' I look at my cuz. To be honest, I don't even know this boy. I'm not saying he's a criminal but I just met this guy today, I don't know what he's capable of doing....Look, I didn't sign up for this! I came to have a fun weekend...not even weekend..fun "middle" of the week you know, where we go to...to Outback Steakhouse and we have the bread. That brown bread and you cut it in half and you smear that tasty butter in...that bread it so good. I want one of those weekends. I. Did. Not. Sign up for this. There's this line that you go to, it's labeled "unneccessary drama" and I purposely missed that meeting, the memos the updates to I wouldn't have to be near that line. But what happens? Somebody signs me up. Somebody. So basically this was all pretty much set up and I should have known. Next time you do something, think through every step carefully, make it flawless and do it on a weekend that I AM NOT HERE.You had all day to plan this drama and you wait till an hour and a half before Aunty comes home. Waite...why am I telling you when to do wrong. Look. I don't know if I'm going to tell Aunty yet. She's been having a rough time lately, I can tell....she does not need to come home to this...this will break. her. heart. You know that. And can you please tell "J" stop hiding in that damn bathroom I'm not going to bite him. Look just promise me, J. I can't see you but I know you can hear me. Can you please...just please go to school, become something successful in life, and let this be the dumbest thing you've ever do. And "L" promise me...let people know where you are. And don't ever. EVER take somebody's car without asking. I don't ever. EVER put me in this position again. I know what it's like to misunderstood....you know what I had to deal with, you've even witnessed it first hand. Hell, you of all people know why I act the way I do. So I'm going to try to as understanding as possible. I know in your mind your intentions were good, but you have to look at it through other people's eyes. Please, promise me you won't do this to me again. How's "J" getting home?" I ask.
She shruggs her shoulders.
"Walk!" My older cousin says. We just look at her. She missed the lesson of the day. Forgiveness.
It was 7 something. My aunt would be home in less than an hour.
I take J home.
While we're driving there, I ask "L".."what would you do in my position. I mean what?"
she shruggs her shoulders.
Her version of the story.

J's mom calls and she upset about him not being home with his siblings. He asks her to wake me up to I can take him home. When they came in the room, I was sleeping. "L" knew I had to get up at 6 something in the morning to drop my other cuz off so she didn't want to wake me.

"So you thought the better option would to have me wake up and my car be gone?"

She doesn't say anything. But I ask her to continue. "When we got downstairs I came to the room to wake you up one last time..but you were sleeping an I felt bad. He did most of the driving because I was scared...When he got his brother's to their friend's houses he went to his job to pick up his check. That's when you called. And he ran out of his job before he got his check. He tells me we need to drive home quick, I didn't know what happened, I thought he punched his boss in the face or something...He tell me that you called. I thought he was lying. But he said no. We drove home, and all I could think way, you'd never talk to me again."

"Next time, you pull something like this. I'm calling the police and I don't care who's driving my car" I lied. She laughs.

We get home and I attempt to make some kind of dinner, some hopeless chicken teryaki that had been frozen for maybe 5-15 years. We clean up, and I tell my cuz to call my aunt and tell her that you left here ON FOOT and you left you're phone. She calls and my aunt is in a cheery mood and we hoped to keep in that way. We finished that 15 year old chicken teryaki that somehow ended up tasting good.

Back Home...Part Duece

I came home pissed at the flat tire situation..so upset that I wouldn't go inside the house. I called up a friend a talked in the moonlight as I leaned against my car. My younger cousin, who doesn't even have her learners permit, asked to move my car so she can park her mom's car in the garage. I'm so involved in my conversation that I let her...This MUST HAVE GOTTEN TO HER HEAD because later on she...I'll get to that.

So I go inside the house, and into my younger's cousin's room because that's where I always stay, and she's on the computer with a sad face. I tell her I'm sorry I snapped at her. She says how hurt she was that I threw the keys at her when she asked for them, "Do you know what I just went through!" I say, and she says she understands. We begin talking and forget the whole situation. We talk until 3 in the morning because she decided she was going to school becuase it was "Rep a certain cultures Flag Day that lead to certain altercations in the past, one very serious situation that happened when I was attending that high-school dealing with knives and faces" my other cousin of the same age and grade decides that she's going to school and that's the past it won't happen again she goes to sleep at a decent hour. I went to sleep at 3:30 in the morning.

I wake up to the image of my other cousin dressed in her stylish school attire standing there asking "Do you think you can take me to school"
"Noooooooo! This has to be a dream!" I thought, I was sooooo tired. And that high-school is cities away....
"Huh?" I say.
"Can you take me to school" she says. It's definetly not a dream.
"Are you sure you want to go..I mean with the flag day and all." my cousin who's "sleeping" next to me laughs at this.
"Yes, I don't think anything's going to happen and I have to march at the game this evening"
"What time is it?" I ask.
"6:44" she says. My eyes haven't been open at 6:44 since high-school.
I'm lying there still hoping that this is a dream when my aunt walks in with her work uniform on.
"Can tek her for me?" she asks.
I immediately say yes realizing that no, this is not a dream.
Now, yes I used to go to the same high-school. And rode there 4 years of my life...but I had no idea how to take a short cut there, so I took the only way I knew. I-95 with the morning traffic. She got to school at 7:23.

I didn't go back to sleep. I just wondered around the house looking for breakfast. My cuz wakes up and at around 10 something she get's a call from a friend of her's who's a senior and got released from school a week early.
"How do you know I wasn't in school?" she says. He doesn't know he just called for the hell of it.
"Come over I want you to meet my cousin" So he shows up like 3 minutes later. What really get's me is that my cousin doesn't even bother to change, she has a scarf on her head, holes in her shorts, and a faded t-shirt. This was definetly somebody she didn't want to impress.

He comes over, long lean boy with a tall tee, long shorts, and air force ones. Bottom rows of his mouth gold. His hair in braided in some intricate design done by my cuz, I was on the phone with her when my aunt was fussing to her about it. My cuz introduces us and I ask him about his goals in life. He's going to community college. I tell him that's not a bad choice and in two years he can go to whatever public university he wants. This is me encouraging today's youth.

I decide I want to go to Denny's and didn't want to go by myself to I invite both my cousins and my younger cousin's friend to come with me. We get to Denny's and announce to everyone that I'm low on funds so everybody get's like...a 6 dollar limit, lol. Hey there were plenty of 5.99 specials they could choose from so I thought it was pretty fair. Before we got there, My younger Cuz and her friend already agreed that they would share they're meal. Because of this I decided they could up there limit to 9 bucks.
So we're all talking looking, talking, looking at the menu. Waitress comes in, we don't know what we want, she comes back, we still don't know. Then we finally decide but the waitress isn't around. I ask my younger cuz "So what are you getting again?" she had told me before I hadn't seen it on the menue. "The Grand Slam" she replies. Once again, I look on the menu but I don't see it. So we start talking again, waiting for the waitress, she still doesn't show up. So I ask my cousin again
"What are you getting?"
once again, "Grand Slam" she replies.
"Show me cause I can't see it."
Her guy friend points too a small section under the Waffles and Pancakes menue.
There not even bold print it said, Grand Slam, 4.50. The cheapest thing on the menu.
I die laughing.
"Wait....wait. I say we all have a 6 dollar limit, but because you guys are sharing a meal, I say you can get a larger portion, so your limit is now 9 bucks. So you decide forget it! In the grand slam you get 2 pancakes, 2 hashbrowns and 2 pieces of bacon and 2 eggs so that means I get one piece of bacon, one pancake one hashbrown and one egg, sounds like a deal to me! And it's only 4.50? I'll take it! I don't even care that it's not even in bold print or that if I get 2 of these meals I still made the 9 dollar limit. One piece of bacon, one hashbrown, one pancake, and one egg...is all I need. And I'm saving my cuz some money."

"There not even a picture next to it." her friend says.

"Exactly." I say, "See cuz, this is why I love you." I ordered a Grand Slam for both of them.

Back Home... Part 1

So I go back home to see my younger cousin's play that she had a lead role in and my goodness was she wonderful, I heard people in the audience wispering "she's funny"...I'm so proud of her.

So when the plays over me and my older cousin beign the journey home. It's just the 2 of us...we couldn't make it if... We get close to our neighborhood when we get a flat tire. I suggest...we just drive on home. Then we thought...maybe that's not a good idea. Then I suggest we atleast get out of the road. So she turns into this random apartment complex into someone's reserved space. As soon as we park there, because of Murphy's Law (?), the owner of the space comes home. My cousin get's out the car and asks this random stranger in the big must have been an F-250 or something for help. So the dude comes out of his truck and takes a look at the flat tire, I thought this man would be extremely annoyed by this sudden request but no....he's seems unbothered...almost entertained? He had this kind of I think it was a grin on his face like..."what in the world did I come home to"

I've never changed a flat before and didn't want to try now. My ex told me once but I wasn't in the mood to try, all I could picture was the tire rolling away the second we pull off. My Aunt tells me to call my cuz's uncle. He doesn't answer the phone. She then says she doesn't know what to do with a flat tire and goes to SLEEP. Great. Thanks for the support guys, I'm out here in my freakin mini skirt and tube top at 10:30 something at night basicly inviting a lucky stranger to....change a flat tire for me..."please?"

In the mean time we are searching for the jack. Now, the trunk of that car...I can't even describe..it had everything in there, Pot covers, dresses, laundry detergent, a fricken machade (huge cutlass, aka knife), We decide to just start dumping the junk of the street untill we find the jack. By this time I hella pissed and I have laundry detergent all over my fingers.

After I want to say...a half hour I find the jack. IT. SHOULD. NOT. TAKE. A. HALF HOUR. TO. FIND. A. JACK.

As the stranger changes the tire for us I watch thinking, "we could have easily done that!" but once again, he didn't seem like he minded at all...actually a little amused.

When he finished I repeatedly thanked him and he insists it was no problem. then I ask " Can I have you name, just so I can know"

"Ellis" he replies.

"Well Ellis, your an angel" I say.

He gives me a sideways glance, grins, and if I'm not mistaken looks me up and down, and says "Well sometimes, but not all the time" That's when I definetly decided it's time to get home...before we find out how unangelic this man can be...atleast he was honest.

Sometimes I like to steal.

I hate when I'm trying to download a song and then I keep getting the screwed up version that's supposed to keep people from downloading. I mean...yeah it's illegal but that is so annoying.

I was driving home from my excuse for a job and I heard a familiar voice on the radio singing a song that...I liked. Turns out the singer went to my high-school. I came home and downloaded it. I wish him much success, I really do...even though I'm downloading his....

Initially I started blogging to get away from other internet sites that I was rediculously addicted to, then that didn't work but now...I'm going to lay low for a little while longer. Focus on the relationships that aren't dependent on internet sites. So I'm back in solitude on my little island...

Went to return a book that I thought might be overdue. When I found out it wasn't the guy who checked the status for me (went to my high-school) was dissappointed. Lol, what a jerk.

Vultures are so wierd and creepy. There's a lake in my back yard. And whenever I so much as peek out the blinds to see them dining on whatever decaying feast they come by one of them look towards the blinds. Always thinks it's just me...they can't know I'm looking at them I must be paranoid. But no, I looked out there today and as soon as I peaked through the blinds the scary thing walks over, and closer, till he's a few feet away from my sliding glass door and he does this neck thing where it's head get's closer and his body stays put...and I'm just like..."what you looking at" and it's just like "why don't you want to come outside you scared?" and I'm like..."yeah, you might eat me" but can't be. they only like things already dead. creepy birds.