Oh....Random Self

So many thoughts have been swimming through my head the past few days. Should I have applied to grad school? Why didn't I study for the GRE? Should I get certified to teach? Will I get a job to teach the subject I am qualified to teach in? AM I GOING TO BE A BUM WITH MULTIPLE DEGREES....like the chick on girlfriends not the one I look like but the tragic mulatto. I relate to her and the one who looks like me is so far from me. I was thinking about that the other day...how I'm like a dark skinned tragic mulatto...always exploring...always confused...but I have interests that people that look like me can't identify with.

I am beautiful.
I am intelligent.
I am the shit.
Now if I can believe the sentences above my life would be a lot easier.

Why doesn't my heart do what my mind tells it. Heart stop being so stingy...all I want you to do is do what I tell you, that's all. Isn't that what you're here for...other than pumping blood through my veins providing oxygen to my brain..etc...but I mean you can do other things in your free time. Like love when I tell you to love...and not when you feel like. You're making it so hard for me and I can't quite figure out where you're going with all this. But please...please just make my life just a little bit easier. Thanks.

I cleaned my room today. I got so sick of looking at the mess and now looking at organization has cleared my mind a little.

My eyes. I was on my knees at work. Organizing boxes on the bottom row and a lady comes up and says I have the prettiest eyes. Why cause they're big? If it works for you it works for me. A few weeks back I made peppered beef ribs and I was chowing down on them watching Nacho Libre and pepper gravy splashed into my eyes, it burned so bad I ran into my roommates bathroom and splashed water in my eyes. My roommate asked me if I was okay....I was, but I was freaking out. And then I took the burn like a man. Chopped some wood, built a cabin, and went back to watching Nacho Libre.
Couple days later all purpose cleaner splashed into my eyes at work. I freaked out. Manned up. And walked out of the custodial closet as if nothing happened.

I am hoping I get this job at the hotel. If not, I'll take it as a sign of needing to buckle down and focus on school.
I need to finish my book.
Viv's killing me softly with her song.