I've been feeling outside myself lately whoever "myself" is. I can only imagine that sounding crazy. For the first time in my life I really felt like I did not know me. I was spending days wondering how do I piece these thoughts together, I am ridiculously confused. I've always known my upbringing has something to do with my feelings of inadequacy. So I usually blame my irrational thoughts on what mom said or what dad said. But it's deeper than that. How can you run away from the people who made you, because of them your here. So I molded this person from the mom said and dad saids and I realized that mom and dad didn't have very nice things to say and that led this creation of a...shaky foundation. But there was a reason that foundation did not quite fall apart.
No matter how low I felt in life, things just seemed to fall into place. I believe it's because of the religious lens in which I viewed to world. Maybe it was just coincidence, or false hope but I remember when I was a kid always turning to God. It got to the point when I reached my teens that I wished I didn't always feel like God was watching me. I wanted to do what I wanted like everybody else was and the feeling of somebody always looking over your shoulder was so restricting. But in reality, it was the feeling of always having somebody there when everybody was gone that kept me...sane?My belief in Christ is my foundation. The truth is you can't run from you're creator. There will be so many situations when you realize that how you handle this situation depends on your relationship with God, your parents, whoever lent a hand in creating you. So now I'm trying to make sense of all this, because I am so confused. My heart won't do what my mind tells it to do and it is really frustrating me.
The reason I am the person I am today. Is because of religion, that is how I dealt with it all. But I don't know if I truly dealt with is all and it keeps catching up with me everynow and then.
When I was kid...
I broke my mom's flashlight. I was so scared because my mom would know it was me. My body language would tell on me before I could confess. I thought "let me put a flashlight over this seed I planted and it'll grow faster." Well the thing "broke". The light would not come on no matter how much I banged and shook. So I prayed that light would come back on. And it did.
So my sister comes up to me a few days later telling me she broke something and I told her to pray. And she's like "what?" And I told her well I broke something and I prayed and so now it works. And she said "really?" and I said "yeah." I was probably 6 years old. Well my sister prayed and I'm not even sure what happened but I don't remember my mom threatening to send us to Jamaica for any broken items so I'm guessing everything was fine.
The point of that was that ever since I was a kid that's who I turned to because really, that's all I had sometimes....But that is everything I need. I had problems so much more serious than broken flashlights. That would lead me to prayer for the light, the way, the truth. But it's not always what I want to hear.
The Bible says.
"Do not think that I have come to bring peace upon the earth. I have come to bring not peace but the sword. For I have come to set
a man "against his father"
a daughter against his mother
and a daughter-in-law against her
mother-in-law;
and one's enemies will be those of his household."
Matthew 10:34-36
He is not playing.
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