Why do I

Why did I drive all the way to my off main campus class, that I have to pay 4 dollars worth of toll to get to otherwise I'll be stuck on Colonial forever, and it was canceled.

Why do I hide from things, they end up catching up with me and then I can't remember why I was trying to hide in the first place.

Why do I freak out about these online exams every time I take them...it's not even that serious.

Why do I sleep with the TV on...I dreamed that Tyra Banks was going to share her AIDS test results, but it turns out she's really going to that. I'm definitely going to stop comparing her to Oprah because she's in some crazy category on her own. I've been watching Campus Ladies lately...funny show. Dreamt about that to.

Why do I worry so much. It's a sin to worry...to be sufficient for just a day is a sin within itself...that's what the bible says I think.

Why do I insist on using firefox instead of explorer even though I know it's probably going to unexpectedly close on me. I had to retype this blog.

I know the answers I just have to ask myself every now and then.

Summer Madness

I love this song...if you can call that. Some songs need no words. Makes me wish I was in the 70's.

I just learned how to post videos

Moving up.

So it's day 12 of the my facebook fast. I saw my former co-worker on an FMU commercial today. He's talking about how he had two jobs and wasn't satisfied with his life so he called FMU and now he's already graduated. Okay, but maybe he should mention that he's still working at that place. Oh well, he's on tv. Congrats homey, you're a star.

28 more days....

My Day

THE HELL IS THAT NOISE?! I thought it was next door but it's upstairs and I discovered that when I bust out my room waking up from a 6 pm nap, and you could tell I just woke up because my roommate asked me if I was sleeping and I usually don't sleep in the daytime but the day I choose to somebody is building an arch for the 40 day flood. I dunno. I don't know what the noise is. Sounds like they're building another floor. It's still going on right now. Please let it be for a constructive reason and not to just annoy everybody.....

I was expecting $20 in the mail. My mom told me my aunt sent me $20 dollars for X-mas. So I'm thinking about how I'm going to spend this $20, treat myself to a surplus of cereal, maybe a fast food meal here and there. So today the letter from mom arrives and I immediately open it. I see nothing resembling a 20 dollar bill..Okay maybe it's a check...no check. This reminds me of when I would get X-mas cards when I was a kid and the first thing I would do is see it there was money inside. So after realising there is no 20 I see that she sent me two things. My new insurance card, and the invoice of my student loan. She writes "I have paid apart of your student loan. Here's the number to call your aunt and thank her for the 20 dollars." Now, I know I should be very very very greatful that mother helped me pay my student loan. I am..I mean I really am. But come on where's the 20 dollars. So I went to Plato's Closet (A place wear you buy and sell used clothes, I usually just sell) to see if I could get 20 bucks for some clothes I don't wear. Last time I got 9 dollars and was pretty excited about that.

So there it is, that's my day.

Musical Distraction

I was listening to a song from Prince I never heard before. "Sign of the Times" I liked it and it made me wonder why nobody cared that he wore tights and was obviously effeminate. And then I thought of other artists that were questionable like Little Richard. And then I realize it didn't matter because they were such good artists that all you could really focus on was how good there music was, to the point where how they carried themselves didn't matter. That's the power of a good singer, song, performer, arrteest. Good music is a good distraction.

Lately I've been waking up at around 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning for no particular reason wishing I could go back to sleep so I'll have enough energy to listen to the Steve Harvey show. The Diary of Jay-Z was on MTV and Jigga was talking about the Water Crisis in Africa. So he partners with the UN and the ambassador of South Africa I think it was to help spread the awareness of this crisis. The basic most important necessity of life is scarce in Africa and it really doesn't have to be that way. And Jay Z goes to a village in Africa and follows this teenage girl to the only pipe in her village to carry this heavy jug of water.
And she carried that heavy jug, this petite girl with this small frame (made me realize I have absolutely no reason to complain)...and H-to-the-O-V offered to carry the jug the rest of the way and within 10 feet he had to stop and switch hands. He must of been thinking I don't know ANYTHING about what the hard knock life is. "You know where I'm from we say we're from the 'bottom' that's not the bottom. This is the bottom". Exactly.

And so they visit the schools to see what the plumbing is like there and there really is none. A few schoolgirls in their early teens have to go fetch the water. And Jay-Z asked the girl "How far is it to get this water." and the girl says "Too far." and so he says" how long does it take to get this water" and the girl says "Too long." And Hov laughs...that familiar laugh kinda like the baah of a lamb "Too far and too long, that's a good answer." And on the way to the water they sang....They have to walk down this very steep mountain that is hard enough to walk down, I couldn't imagine walking back up with these heavy jugs . But they do it everyday.

Well later on, it looked like the same day which I know it can't be, but later on they added a toilet to that school and a water pump that is also a merry go round. So as the kids play on the merry-go round they pump fresh water to their school instead of that long journey every morning down that steep hill. And as they went around, and around, they sang...and that song sounded so beautiful...and as they sang in unison they spun even more. I wondered what song it was.

Okay I noticed I've been talking about Africa a lot lately. No idea why, lol.

You Know When.....

It's day 5 1/2. I want to go on there. Usually whenever I come home in the wee hours of the morning I would mindlessly browse it before I fell dead asleep. 34 1/2 more days.....



You know when....you think somebody stole something, but you don't want to say anything, but when you do find it..you feel guilty.

You know when you listen to a song and it reminds of somewhere or someone.

You know when...you have a a pen and you don't know where it came from...I feel like a thief

You know when you lose something and it feels like it never existed.

You know when you think something is true for the longest and one day you find out it isn't. And then you question everything.

You know when you know what's good for someone but your too afraid to say it.

You know when you really like something but your too afraid to admit it, and then some person admits they like the same thing and you feel like a fool for being so afraid.

You know when you dream about people, like random people you don't talk to that much...but their in your dreams. That means they're significant to you whether you realize it or not.

You know when you wish your conscience would have spoken louder.

You know when you wish your conscience would just shut up.

You know when you question life and your existence....

You know when the funniest things happen that affirms your beliefs that there is a god...or "a higher being" for the skeptics

You know when you wonder if only these things happen to you...

You know when you see someone or something and it just takes your breath away...

You know when you take something for granted but when it's completely gone you wish you had it back. But you know it's gone forever.

You know when something actually goes your way and it seems just so surreal.

You know when someone says the smallest thing to bring a smile to your face.

You know when you find yourself smiling about a distant memory...

You know when you buy something and you think it's the greatest thing in the world until you see the upgraded version.

You know you see people do the most amazing things and you realize your life is really not that bad.

You know when a stream of unfortunate events happen in one day and you hate your life.

You know when you think you've had a near death experience and life seems so fragile...and realize it's a miracle any of us are still here...

Or maybe that's just me...

A lesson in racism for 2nd Graders

First day of my intership. It was casual Friday. I was overdressed. I tried to remember what my teachers wore back in High-school down to Elementary school, I couldn't. So I wore all black like I was depressed, I was so excited. I just saw Freedom Writers, I wanted to change somebody's life from just sitting in the sidelines in a second grade class. The school's in the burbs...nobody's struggling so maybe another time. I go to the front office, it's another girl's first day, dressed in all black on casual Friday. We sit in the office looking side to side.
"You guys interns?"
"I am" I said. It was the other girl's first day as a second grade teacher and she didn't know what the hell she was doing. I guess that's how we all start out.

I get to my class. Jittery 2nd graders waiting for direction. The teacher is very nice and laid back but you can tell winter break came too soon for her. She introduces me to the class.
"This is Ms. S and she's going to be visiting you guys every Thursday or Friday it depends. You guys be nice and listen to whatever she says."
Willy a bright eyed autistic boy bursting with energy raises his hand and says
"Oooh! I know something she can make us have and it starts with an F and it ends with an N!"
Alright I'm going to be honest. I had no idea what it was.
"Fun?" asks the teacher.
"Yes! " That made me smile.
I want to have fun too I guess.

I sit back and wait for reading time to come so I can have something to do. This little brown girl with corn rows walks around the room asking if they know who Chris Brown is. No one knows.
"Well have you seen stomp the yard?" no one saw it. Her and I were the only brown people in the room.

Finally it's Center time and I get to read to kids in small groups at a time. Will the bright eyed autistic kid was so distracted by having a stranger in the glass that he acted the fool until the teacher had to come talk to him "Make the right choices" she says to him. I try to keep from laughing, this boy is hilarious. And insane with numbers. And so particular about details.
"Where's my pencil." he yells. A little kid points in a corner. He finds the ONLY UNSHARPENED PENCIL and goes to the pencil sharpener making a heap of noise in the silent room.

I'm done reading with all the kids.

This is the part where things get awkward. See, Monday was Martin Luther King Jr. Day and they had just had a little 7 year old comprehension level lesson about segregation. Cool. A little girl hands me a Social Studies book and we all turn to page 237. Today we are going to talk about SLAVERY, Harriet Tubman, and Fredrick Douglas. I don't know why it felt so awkward, maybe because me and that little brown girl were the only chocolate people in the room, but it was just like why they hell the first day I decide to intern I have to sit here and listen to this white lady explain to bright eyed 7 year olds what slavery is. They need to learn one day, why not with me sitting here looking around the room. It was interesting the way the book explained it in kid terms "There once was a time in America when everybody wasn't free. This was called Slavery. These people were taken from Africa and forced to work in plantations and were not paid. If they didn't do what they were told "bad things" would happen to them." Lol...bad things. The "bad things" like whippings and lynching get explained more detail in 3rd grade I guess. It's funny how curriculum changes, I don't think I was taught about slavery in 2nd grade.

One kid raises his hand and says "Are there slaves today"
"Do you see African Americans in this room?" she says.
"Yes?"
"Then no we don't have slaves."

Now. Me and the Chris Brown Fan were the only brown people in the room. All she had to say was "No" as Ms. Desy best suggested. I looked on page 256 hoping the lesson was Spanish Culture...but it wasn't. It was page 238. Harriet Tubman and the underground railroad. I didn't mind getting my mind refreshed. It's sad how little we know, even about the most generic examples.

Finally it's lunch time. I get to eat school lunch again...yay. Everybody stands to get in line. Chris Brown fan asks me if I know who Chris Brown is. I said yes.
"Did you see Stomp the Yard?" she asks.
"Yes." Am I being a good example?
Finally someone knows who Chris Brown is! she yells.

School lunch is . ONE HOTDOG. Chocolate milk and some carrots. I want two hotdogs but the lady won't let me. WOMAN I AM THREE TIMES THE SIZE OF THESE KIDS I CAN'T EAT WHAT THEY EAT. It costs $2.50, I got robbed. Next time I'm bringing my own lunch. I left early because there was nothing else to do. Next Friday I'm wearing jeans.

Day 4 of the Facebook Challenge.

I didn't think I would make it this far. A lot of people couldn't do what I'm doing and a lot of people don't have the need to. I do miss it a little bit. I just want a little peak into that world. Just a little one. But nope, not untill Feb 24. I was thinking of cutting it down to 28 just to be funny, but no. Bibe style or not at all...lol...this pic cracks me up. I miss it the most when I'm bored.

White Africa

Ugh. White Africa....alright.

I first met him leaving the education building after observing autistic kids. Noel threw plastic plates around because I dared to help him organize, I was scared for my life. So I'm walking to my car and he looks like he's about to take the bus. I remember he was wearing red, maybe had his hood up, basketball jersey, and that damn CD player. I guess he's attractive piercing gray eyes, nose a little big...but you can't have it all... his style needed some definite work and his personality...wasn't the most appealing. He comes up to me and tells me I'm beautiful etc..and shows me the picture of his baby sister, cute little girl with a braid and the same light gray eyes or maybe hers were green. He could pass as white with a hint of middle eastern, his features are definitely unique. He talks about how he's not white and that he's from Africa. Africa?? What part? South Africa?? I was right. Ohh well umm...wow. He seemed much more laid back back then. He gave me his number, I never called.

Less than a year later I'm talking to my coworker about him, not really sure how the subject came up, she's a voluptuous girl with mahogany skin and a crazy personality. Oh think I remember how Africa came up. I saw this guy from Africa I was familiar with on her facebook page, so chocolaty and sexy I told her how I wanted him. She laughed her ass off, she didn't understand why. I think I thought it would take me back to my roots who knows. Then I said....there's this white guy, from Africa..."I know who your talking about she says." Before I finished to sentence.
"Picture of his sister?"
"Yes." she says.
"Always has on headphones?"
"Yes."
"That's him..wow. He really loves black girls."
Fast Forward to Yesterday.

I'm sitting in the hot sun filling out an intent to graduate. The thing had a million questions and every time I thought I was done there was more. And he comes and sits next to me and I immediately recognize him. This time he's wearing a blue button down (with the jersey from the first time I met him underneath) , dew rag, black jeans, and black dress shoes. Ooooh lord. I just remember I saw him the other day talking to a girl in front of the library. I want him to go away.
He tells me how I'm so fine. I have nice hands, nice toes, he shows me the picture of his mulatto little sister to prove his blackness, and once again. The CD player. I don't even bother tell him that I've met him before, I don't care. But I'm nice, I laugh here and there when he says something odd, I don't want to hurt his feeling cause god knows what he's been through. I'm done with my intent to I go to the office to turn it in, he wants to follow me, ooh lord. I get to the office I have 25 minutes till it opens. Shit. So now I have to stand here with white Africa until the door opens because I'm too nice to tell him to f off. I ask him how long he's been here. "a month and a half"
I ask him if he goes to school here.
"I'm enrolled in one class"
I ask him if he was a car.
"A 2005 Ferrari."
Did any of the those answers surprise me? No because I knew he was a lyin ass liar.
"Oh yeah? A Ferrari?"
"Yeah, I paid $56,925.46 for it."
"Oh, ok. That's a lot of money." I look at the time there's like 15 minutes left.
He keeps trying to touch my hands, and when I laugh at his goofiness, he hugged me. That's when I told him to not touch me.
"Ok, Ok, I won't touch you."
He had an ex girlfriend that's pregnant by him, psychotic chick, broke his arm once. That part I believed because...that's not something you say when you want to impress somebody.
OASIS finally opens and I go stand in line. I finally get to get away from him without hurting his feelings, why the hell did I not want to hurt his feelings?? When I think he walks away I hear this bird like chirp. I look behind and it's him walking down the stares. "Bye Cute Girl!" He yells. and leaves. 5 minutes later. "Psssssst!" I turn around. It's my old coworker from 1 year ago. "You would be the one to turn around she says.
I said "Holy Shit, you'd never guess who just left here." I say.
" Who?"
"White Africa."
"Who's White Africa"
"That White African guy who harasses all the black girls on campus." she dies laughing.
"I thought he was banned from this campus" I did not know they could ban people.
Ummm apparently the banning did nothing. So we go into the advising office..where we ended up having a good time. We talked about Borat, and the Oscars, and how our school sucks, and the fact that almost everybody there was walking without getting a degree. I ended up having to go to another office after that place and when I left I saw White Africa. Talking to another black girl with braids.I shook my head when I saw him.

I imagine him being in South Africa where segregation just ended like 10 years years ago. I imagine his European features being so appealing to those beautiful black women who have an inferiority complex because they are being treated differently because of their dark skin. They live on the poor side of the area while the white people live behind pretty white picket fences on African soil. (I just saw Catch A Fire and Blood Diamond) I imagine it being so easy to pick up dark skinned women in Africa with those gray eyes...a way out, hope for the kids...I imagine him feeling so superior because of his light skin. But in AMERICA....man. It takes more than gray eyes. Yeah, black women these days may have an inferiority complex but they'll be damned if they can't be with a dude with atleast a job, style, or some smooth words here and there. White Africa we are not the one. You might want to take that back to where you came from.

I QUIT!

FACEBOOK! I started using blogger for this reason. This was my replacement drug only less lethal, less addictive. In the beginning I only lasted a few days....but this time...it will be different. I completely deactivated my account that way I can't just "accidentally" sign in, it requires a process. It's crazy speaking of this site this way...some say...it's just a site, but any idiot can tell you it's more than that. So for 39 more days I will not go on facebook. Some doubt it...afterall I used to be the main one on there uploading pics, writing notes, adding videos. Not anymore. Will I last? Of course. I'm strong....for now. Before I was struggling listening to music...blogging on blogging but now...it's not so bad. There's so many things that I want to accomplish that the desire isn't that strong anymore.

MISS ME ALREADY??I joined hi5 way before the facebook days...not at all addictive I swore me and my one friend were the only ones on there, so when I joined facebook I came to realize that damn near everybody that was on facebook was on hi5 as well...well the day I deleted my account someone sends me a message on hi5 saying "it says you have deleted your profile....why?" and I'm thinking, Boy! Stop studying facebook and get a life! I told him I was graduating this semester and wanted to start it off right. I also wanted to say ....you might want to do the same. But maybe he isn't have the same problem I'm having. Lol, but you know what...I was actually flattered that he gave a shit so much that he had to find another web community to contact me on. But honestly...find something to do.

MY JOB!Oh yeah, couple minutes ago....I quit my job. Lol, people think I'm trying to make a statement by quitting on MLK day...maybe it's a subconscious things. But my job has been yanking me around and the fact that they wanted me to close on a Monday(MLK day) and they haven't had me working on a Monday is MONTHS just pissed me off. It probably was a coincidence...but maybe I wanted a way out so bad that this is what did it for me. So I call my department afraid to speak to a manager and get one of my FORMER coworkers. I tell him I'm not coming in at 5 or on Friday the next day I'm supposed to work.
He says "wait a minute....you quit? why?" I told him I'm tired of getting 5-10 hours a week and plus there's some get together I want to go to. (I'm probably not going to go...why'd I say that?) He's like "oh I get it's a black thing, it's MLK day and you don't want to work. Well I'm black and I have to work." GUILT TRIP!
I said "Yeah I know but they don't make you work 5 hours a week."
"True, but they have me working two days a week too" he says.
"Yeah, but have they ever made you work 5 hours a week??"
"I feel you, he says"
"So wait a minute I have to break the news??"
I laugh. "Well, what managers are working?" I ask. I figure I'll speak to one of the cool managers.
"Well let me speak to Rob then."
"No it's alright, I'll tell him, I don't care" I sincerely hope he doesn't tell them that I wanted to go to a get together...makes a look bad. But then again...who cares. FREE AT LAST!

JUNKFOOD! I figured since money will be tight for the next few days I'll lay off the sweets and I've been doing pretty good. Let's see how long this lasts.

New York Subway Hero...amazing.

I cried when I read about the New York Subway Hero. He risked his life so his daughters wouldn't see a man get hit by a train. Lucky for those girls they didn't get to see that, but most of all....lucky for that man that was saved! Selfless acts of kindness make me cry. My body can't handle all the emotion. This man is receiving so much publicity...and why not? He risked his life for another. But what's so funny about picture of this man is that...his facial expression is like...."Would you leave me alone?" No smile....like "hey I saved the day!" just...this solemn stare like..."where did you people come from??" Cool guy. Great way to start the year...saving people and whatnot...Let's hope we see more black men in the media for doing stuff like this.

Here's the story.

New York Man Saves Teen Who Fell on Subway Track

With a train rapidly approaching a man leapt to the aid of a teenager who fell from a platform and onto the tracks of a New York subway. The teenager was believed to have fallen after suffering a seizure. When Wesley Autery noticed the young man fall onto the tracks he left his two daughters and placed his own life in the line of an oncoming train.

Autry was faced with a split second decision of trying to lift the teenager to safety or take his chances seeking refuge under the train. Uncertain if he could lift the man back onto the platform he decided to wedge the 19-year-old and himself in the drainage trough that was situated between the rails.

Covering the teen’s body with his own, Autry was faced with the terrifying possibility that the train might not clear his body. After the second car passed over his body the train came to a stop and with about 2 inches to spare Autry became a living hero.

The teen was identified as Cameron Hollopeter, of Littleton, Mass. He is enrolled at the New York Film Academy. Hollopeter was taken to the hospital after the incident and was reported in stable condition.

After ascending the tracks the 50-yaer-old Autry was greeted with loud applause and hugs from onlookers and witnesses. He was instantly hailed as a hero for the courage and bravery displayed.

Autry was in the process of taking his two daughters home and preparing to go to his second job when Hollopeter fell.

He told the New York Times "I don't feel like I did something spectacular; I just saw someone who needed help, I did what I felt was right."

www.finditt.com

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_N2zhu5RH34

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xq9mNhXL_Ao
I will never, ever forget this.

Oh....Random Self

So many thoughts have been swimming through my head the past few days. Should I have applied to grad school? Why didn't I study for the GRE? Should I get certified to teach? Will I get a job to teach the subject I am qualified to teach in? AM I GOING TO BE A BUM WITH MULTIPLE DEGREES....like the chick on girlfriends not the one I look like but the tragic mulatto. I relate to her and the one who looks like me is so far from me. I was thinking about that the other day...how I'm like a dark skinned tragic mulatto...always exploring...always confused...but I have interests that people that look like me can't identify with.

I am beautiful.
I am intelligent.
I am the shit.
Now if I can believe the sentences above my life would be a lot easier.

Why doesn't my heart do what my mind tells it. Heart stop being so stingy...all I want you to do is do what I tell you, that's all. Isn't that what you're here for...other than pumping blood through my veins providing oxygen to my brain..etc...but I mean you can do other things in your free time. Like love when I tell you to love...and not when you feel like. You're making it so hard for me and I can't quite figure out where you're going with all this. But please...please just make my life just a little bit easier. Thanks.

I cleaned my room today. I got so sick of looking at the mess and now looking at organization has cleared my mind a little.

My eyes. I was on my knees at work. Organizing boxes on the bottom row and a lady comes up and says I have the prettiest eyes. Why cause they're big? If it works for you it works for me. A few weeks back I made peppered beef ribs and I was chowing down on them watching Nacho Libre and pepper gravy splashed into my eyes, it burned so bad I ran into my roommates bathroom and splashed water in my eyes. My roommate asked me if I was okay....I was, but I was freaking out. And then I took the burn like a man. Chopped some wood, built a cabin, and went back to watching Nacho Libre.
Couple days later all purpose cleaner splashed into my eyes at work. I freaked out. Manned up. And walked out of the custodial closet as if nothing happened.

I am hoping I get this job at the hotel. If not, I'll take it as a sign of needing to buckle down and focus on school.
I need to finish my book.
Viv's killing me softly with her song.

Brighter Days

I was talking to my friend about X-mas being overrated because it is. Ok. So much pressure it's like what if I had the audacity to show up at my home on Christmas day and while everybody is exchanging gifts I stand up and say something like "You know guys. Jesus is the reason for the season and that's why I didn't buy anybody anything." and sit down. One person would be like "You couldn't even buy a card?" and I'd say no, I couldn't. Now let's all bring out the Bible and read the first verses of Matthew. The part when Mary finally finds an inn to birth baby Jesus. My family would probably think, how cheap is she, and continue to exchange gifts.



I don't know my house. Every time I return the walls have change the furniture rearranged, new additions everywhere. The most confusion happens when I'm in the kitchen and I'm mindlessly searching in every draw for a fork. Ok found it. Now the plates, tricky, it could be on the top or the bottom. It's on the top, ok found it. Now the hard part is the cups. Ok..where the hell is the cup. Why can't the cup just be in a simple place...ok found the cup. I've never really lived here that long, we moved from my hometown to this place when I graduated so it's this place I've been visiting and getting to know little by little. It's like...and long distance relationship. You think you know the person...really well, but when you spend time together in person you learn new things like...wow, I didn't know you jerked your head so much when you talk. Wow...I didn't know that's where you kept the foil. I'll make note of it next time....or just forget it. Let's just break up and call it quits.



Hey there's moments when I feel no so alone. I had a moment like that. When I realized I wasn't insane. Yes! It's not something you can explain. It's like a joke only you and God are in on. But god is invisible so it looks like your laughing by yourself, but then this person comes along and is like..."Oh you realized that too!" and you're like "get out of here I thought I was the only one you knew about that!" and so you discuss it a little further and share feelings about how lonely you felt for so long...and your days are little bit brighter. It's like a stranger offering you candy but it's not poisonous and he's not trying to lure you anywhere.

I have this dream.

There's this mantel, like an unfinished landscape the size of my thoughts. And there's this person painting on it from time to time. They add some trees here and there, and some flowers and the glowing son. It's like a Bob Ross painting where he paints birds at the flick of the wrist and he makes it look so easy. Only in this painting it's not just a landscape it's a also a portrait and every now and then the artist is not sure of what the person should look like. And whenever I can slip away from the world the artist adds some color to the piece. But there are some times where that person won't paint for weeks and months at a time. And in the back of my mind there's that piece with so many white spaces and the unfinished image of the person in the picture, but what is really noticeable is the unfinished smile of the figures face. The figures supposed to be me of course but the artist has to patiently wait until I can finally tell him what I want to portrait to look like, and he just waits and doesn't mind that he's not getting paid. Hmm.

I have so many thoughts in my head. I have three poems I want to write one called "Rich Guy/Poor Guy" and "Clean-up Man" and..."I know you like me or favorite fantasy". But I haven't been able to that because I feel like if I'm doing that then I am wasting time not doing what I should be doing so I try to figure out what I'm supposed to do first until there's no time left and I realized...I just wasted another day.
I dream. I have this one dream where the songs that I constantly create and sing in my head are recorded and the world just loves it.

That I finally finish this book.

That I finally start acting again.

That I get in the shape I want to be in.

That I complete my art projects.

Life tastes good. Coca Cola.

I was watching the movie "Click" and the remote salesman says to the guy screwing around with his life "Remember the Leprachaun"
and the other guys like "Huh...Catch me lucky charms...that guy?"
and the salesman's like "He spends his life chasing the treasure but in the end...it's just corn flakes."
A lot of us realize this too late. It's just corn flakes, it's just money, it's just...things.
And Coke tried to convince me once that the taste of Coca Cola was "Life" but you know what? It's just syrup and carbonated water with little nutritional value and is really worth less than 5 cents but here I am paying 1.25 for a bottle. But the commercials are so convincing that I really thought life was in that bottle and that I could taste it.

Life. Life..it's so...you know. Mysterious. It's like why am I here. Some people aren't here but I am. Do I deserve to be here? I guess...because I'm here. But is it really a privilege to be here on Earth. Is perishing a blessing but many of us just haven't realized it yet? I know I must thank God for everything I have but when he takes someone's life are they not blessed? God wants me here for a reason and once that reason is fulfilled he no longer has use for me on earth. That's what I think, that's the only reasoning that I can think of when I see so much pain and suffering in the world, especially in children who die so young. I think that when a people die young it's god giving them higher chances to get into heaven because maybe sometime in their future they would end up doing something that would really limit their chances of getting into heaven. They leave this earth at such a young age, and we say "why?" And "how could there be a God?" But one day the inquisitors will leave this earth just as that child did and we realize that in the end we all end up the same, in the end is truth. So I'm thinking and thinking..why am I here and I try to imagine what it's like to not be here. But I can't, it's so strange to imagine yourself just not existing that one day there just won't be a tomorrow for me. So I ask myself what it is that I should be accomplishing.. ..is the path already set in my heart?

The length of that path is chosen by God and if I continue to look to him for directions I'll follow that path until he no longer has use for me on this earth. Or, I can ignore the path and go where I want I continue to seek satisfaction without GOD and not accomplish what God intended for me and die ignoring my built in GPS system [soul]. My life is a little bit of inbetween. I get on the path, I fall off. I try to take a short cut and end up trying to find the path again with my tail between my legs and divine fate just standing there with a yard stick in his hand shaking his head. "Who told you to go there? Look at you, coming back here with all these insect bites and scratches"divine fate would say to me.

Life is not just black and white. It's not just right and wrong. Sometimes right is wrong and wrong is right. If and old Mets fan was lying in his deathbed and the only thing that could make him smile was tell him that the Mets won the play offs on his dying day, well guess what? That's what I would tell him. Because the end is what matters. The quality of life is what matters. Quality is measured in happiness and genuine moments and meaningful relationships.

It's 2: 19

I know it is. And the timer is wrong on here and I never feel like fixing it. I decided I would through the motions of switching to the new blogger. I think the only difference is a few new templates. I'm a little under the influence of of (notice the doubling of the "of"s that was not intentional that was an error) fermented drinks. What I'm saying is I'm a little tipsy. But before this I kept saying I need to internet log things before I forget them and their lost in competing thoughts. So I said you know what I can't sleep and it'll be interesting to look back on this time when I couldn't stop thinking about that time when I was at Chipotle a couple days ago. It was last week and I was feeling a little invisible. That's how I usually feel and I think one day I won't but that day I did. So I'm sitting outside eating my overpriced food that I should have cooked at home and this guy with a faux hawk came walking outside and his friend is standing there, kind of next to my table, and he's just standing there. And he says to the guy with the faux hawk "Dude you have a staring problem." and Faux Hawk says "What? I was staring at you." and I'm there looking kind of mean as usual, a facial expression I had since I was a kid because I looked how I felt and now I can't change that face. So I'm kind of on autopilot, I mean I'm there and I'm moving and I chewing but I'm not really there, I think I was in the third grade or high-school or Chicago, but I wasn't really at that table. And then all of a sudden I realize where I'm at and I realize what he said and we're the only ones outside so..... if he's convincing his friend that he was looking at him does that mean....that he really was looking at...me? And he walks up to his friend and he has the mischievous grin on his face as his other friend joins him and I feel the stares. And he didn't even seem like the type to stare at brown skinned girls but times change and so do preferences but I didn't notice because I was in London. I then I look at the time and my lunch is almost over and so I walk past...and I'm in Miami and I could have sworn, I would have bet money that he said "that's a banging ass man". They looked liked surfers that's what I call extremely white bread american their parents are probably republican but their rebelling so they go surfing and are pretty much apathetic...light beige guys. Looking at tight khakis and brown eyes that have no idea what is going on until she walks into her car and realize they watched her walk there. I'm not ashamed of feeling a little less invisible. But I can't help to wonder if I would have cared if it was a group of brown skinned bold hey girl what's your name let me get a taste of that lunch guys. I probably would have still been in Norway. This blog probably would have still been the same. My ears are ringing louder than usual.

It's like I'm a mime trapped in that box that their always trapped in, but their is no box! They made it up it's not real, nonbelievers just stick their hand through the invisible wall and shake their heads but the mime is aware of it's structure and of course it's just an act for them, they go home and wash of the make-up and talk all they want but I can't seem to separate the invisible box from the real world and sometimes I feel like I need to explain so people won't think I'm strange everytime I get so nervous about invisible fears I wish could say..."Oh yeah...I know I act strange but there's this wall, you can't see it but, to me it's there and it's preventing me from..." but I can't because that's so weird. It's 2:59...think that's enough.

Jesus is gangsta kinda

John 2: 13-16

Since the Passover of the Jews was near, Jesus went up to Jerusalem. He found in the temple area those who sold oxen, sheep and doves, as well as the money-changers seated there. He made a whip out of chords and drove them all out of the temple area, with the sheep and oxen, and spilled the coins of the money-changers and overturned their tables, and to those sold their doves he said, "Take these out of here, and stop making my father's house a marketplace."

Now this is how I look at this situation. Jesus is with his deciples and they're approaching a temple which he planned on preaching the gospel and worshipping, or maybe he was just walking by and the temple caught his attention. The outside is crowded with hustlers. He is hot.Whether if it's Today, yesterday or 2,000 years ago there was one thing you did not do, and that was mess with people and their money. A sheep now: groceries for some weeks, and ox: food and a car, doves: food, pet, cell phone. Can you imagine today a group of people just chilling, selling goods, their life depends on it. And somebody just comes up and OVERTURNS your table, throws away your money, and let's your valuable goods walk away. And your hot, your steamed, you think those things rightfully belong to you. And the destroyer who looks like a normal guy says to you. "This is my father's house." and you have no idea who this man is. But he's so gangsta that you and the people around you do nothing about it. Because his words are like bullets and he makes you think...well...I guess I'll have to take my business elsewhere. And that's it, that's all you and the people around you do, in the times of stoning and chopping off feet. Wow.

F*ck with Me

F*ck with Me. That must be written on my forhead in ink that only certain people can see. Every once in a while I'll come across somebody who has no idea who I am but they just start messing with me. And I'll sometimes question people around me and they'll say something like "Oh really? Well that never happens to me." I dunno. I'm coming back home from Atlanta and the security line is slooow and long. All you see is hundreds of people in these long long lines and I'm thinking, there's no way any plane can be leaving on time so I get in the line and we're going snail pace and when I finally make it to the point where I take off my clothes and jacket and put it through the x-ray machine thingy I go through and the metal detector goes off because of my earrings and it's lilke 6:48 and my flight leaves at 7, so I'm kind of getting impatient so I go through without the earrings and everything is fine. But then the guy's like he needs to see my ID. I show him my id. But then this other guy's like let me see your ID again. And I'm thinking oh shit something must be wrong maybe it's expired I've never really paid attention to the expiration date but then the other guy's like....I just wanted to see your picture to make my heart beat. And I was really pissed but really really flattered at the same time. I had to run to Gate B 32. I made it four minutes before it took off.

Women....I don't understand them...

I don't know. I'm a woman, but I don't understand them. Actually, no I do...but I guess I can't accept how a lot of women are. I'm so sensitive to people actions around me that the actions replay in my head untill I get to the root of the action. I guess because society places so much focus on physical appearances submissive roles are thought to be ideal and that tends to lead women to view themselves as objects...play things...sometimes just mere accessories that can give you pleasure every once in a while, then women forget to value themselves to the point where they focus there opinions on a man...(who's thought to be superior in society) to feel worth it. To the point where jealousy is viewed more as a female trait, women constantly subconsciously attack eachother and men find this humorous and sometimes entertaining when in his head he knows his absolute value and yet "here are these beautiful women fighting to get my attention just because....I'm...a guy". A man will eventually come to accept this silly perception as...as truth. He thinks it's the truth...and so does the woman...Such is the case in many societies some instances much, much more than others. Is the womanly trait of jealousy more nurture or nature?

When a female stabs a female who's supposed to be a friend in the back because of another guy...nature a nurture?

When a female flirts with another females man just to see if he's attracted to her nature or nurtute?

When a female constantly compares themselves to other females..is that nature or nuture?

Does it depend on how adequate the female feels and what lengths she would go to to feel adequate?

Constantly looking at other females as a threat...is that nature or nurture?


I've been trying to figure this out...my dream is to write a book on this.
7 Deadly Sins of Sisterhood (I got this off the Tyra Show and dashed for my pen)

Betrayal
Manipulation
Judgement
Resentment
Envy
Gossip
Competition

I made a conscious decision not to ever be like that(before I ever saw that show of course) Have I lost my feminine identity? I'm a new breed, not quite feminine...not really close to masculine I'm just....genuine. Sometimes I'll just be walking..in my own little world and some female's with a guy and that disprespectful guy looks at me and that female looks me UP and DOWN as if to say "who is this bitch" and I'm thinking...why don't you turn to that disrespectful man your walking with, the crime is not mine. And I think to myself...Females look at eachother like that on a regular basis...why can't be congratulate eachother...be proud of one another and not detest one another for no reason at all. Maybe throw in a "high 5" every now and then just for the hell of it. The more we respect our selves and eachother the more men will grow accustomed to the respect the less a woman will have to lose herself to feel adequate. Every feature, every material thing, every talent was provided to that person by the grace of god. And if another person has an issue with that, it doesn't make any sense to get mad at that female they need to take that up with God. But they can't because he's the almighty and he provides for different reasons....life is so temporary..in the end we'll understand what really matters....